I’ve heard stories about people using all sorts of household items as lube when they don’t have any handy.

Some of them (mayonnaise) sound absurd, while others (Vaseline) seem to make sense. Are any of them safe to use? — P.G., West Virginia

I know it sounded really sexy when Marlon Brando said to get the butter, but it’s a bad idea. The reason lube is lube and condiments are condiments is that one is great for the bedroom and the others are delicious on sandwiches. If it’s not designed to go in your vagina, keep it out of there. The potential for gnarly yeast infections is not worth the possible savings.

There are two exceptions: coconut oil and regular Crisco (not the butter-flavored variety). Crisco is the go-to choice for anal fisting, according to Bert Herrman’s Trust: The Hand Book: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing.

For both, you should use them only if you are in a monogamous, tested relationship and are no longer using condoms, because the oils will break down latex barriers.

Coconut oil is an okay lubricant, but I generally prefer to use it as aftercare because of its balancing effects on vaginal pH levels and its soothing properties. It doesn’t really provide enough lubrication to be much use for a hardcore pounding.

While these items are useful when you’re in a pinch, I much prefer to stick to good, old-fashioned silicone or water-based lube.

This column doesn’t constitute medical or professional advice. Always consult a qualified health care professional for your medical, psychological, or relationship problems.