“Girls who aren’t being slutty are missing out.”

Divided We Fail
My wife is way more of a disciplinarian with our kids than I am. But she shuts me down every time I tell her she’s too hard on them. They’re good kids, and one of them is starting to develop some phobias. Is this related? What can I do?

Yeah, being a parent is rough. It’s the best thing ever but it’s also the most challenging. I’m a mother of a nine-year-old girl (hopefully she never Googles me), and I suck at disciplining. I’m basically like a child myself. But my daughter behaves well in school and is a great kid. So I think I’m doing something right? Children developing phobias and other neurotic traits at a young age is very scary. I’m not sure if it’s related to your wife’s disciplining or not, but you should bring the kid to a child therapist. And you and your wife should see a mediator to help you get on the same page. Me and my kid’s dad aren’t together, but we occasionally see a therapist, just to check in and hash things out when we need to. Therapy is a godsend, if you ask me. Good luck.

Double Standard
I’m a 19-year-old girl with a huge sex drive. It sucks, because my guy friends can go out and hook up as much as they want, but those same guys consider me a slut. Wtf?

What?! Fuck that. It’s 2017. How did you not get the memo? Hello? Amber Rose SlutWalk, Hillary as president, more women deciding not to get married and have kids. It’s our time to do whatever the fuck we want. Is “slut” even a negative word anymore? I see it as a positive thing. It means you’re having fun! Girls who aren’t being slutty are missing out. Actually, this reminds me that I really need to get my slut on soon. I’ve been slacking. Keep being a slut and stay strong!

Missionary Impossible
I have a great relationship with my wife, but I’m way more sexually adventurous than she is. Anything I can do to graduate from missionary?

First of all, congrats for being in a marriage. That’s amazing. Relationships totally baffle me, so I commend you. Why don’t you just flip her over and get at her doggie-style? Or maybe go to a sex store and buy some toys? Open up a dialogue about it, tell her how attracted you are to her, that you want to eat the booty and all that. Too much? Look, you’re the man. And in the bedroom, I want the man to be in control. I want him to be flipping me over and getting me in positions I didn’t even know I was capable of. It’s what you’re on earth to do. Fuck your wife properly! Be a man and do it. She will most likely be very happy you took control.

Side Job
My boss’s wife got drunk and flirted with me at a company party. Now she’s texting me and getting super suggestive. She’s really, really hot, but I need my job…

One of my life sayings is, “Chaos gets me wet.” But then I realized the chaos was killing me. It’s so much fun at first. It’s like a drug. I bet the sex would be off the hook with this chick, plus just knowing how bad it is makes it feel so fucking good sometimes, right? But if you don’t want your life turned upside-down and to get fired, you should probably keep your dick in your pants for this one. If you are into fucking people’s wives, maybe find someone not married to your boss. That would be a little less chaotic.

Put It in Your Mouth
So I caught my BF of five years masturbating this morning and it creeped me out. He totally opened up Instagram and tried to play it off.It was a weird situation and I don’t know what to do. Please help, Leah!

Don’t be creeped out! Next time just be like, “Baby let me help you!” Then go sit on it or put it in your mouth. Make it an opportunity to have some fun. Or just tell him you want to help and put on a striptease for him. Masturbation is natural. Talk about it with him. Tell him you felt a little weird but want him to know it’s all good. You guys have been together five years! That’s practically a lifetime! Especially in Hollywood years. You need to be able to communicate. I mean, I don’t know much about being in a healthy relationship with a man, but I know communication is mad important. Good luck, boo.

Splitting the Cherry Wood
Hi Leah, my family is super religious and conservative. I was really sheltered growing up.But now I’m away at college and I’m still a virgin. I’ve been hooking up with this girl I really like, but she’s way more experienced than I am. She’s expecting sex and I want to give it to her, but I have no idea what to do, and I don’t think I’ll last very long.

That’s adorable! I think she’ll appreciate that she is taking your virginity. I know I would. Don’t look at your inexperience as a negative. Look on the bright side. If I was her I would be thinking, Great! This guy isn’t totally damaged goods yet. Maybe there will be a chance he’s not an asshole dirtbag. I’ve dated guys who I was much more experienced than, and I found it to be a turn-on teaching them where exactly to put their tongue and what not. But hopefully you’re a quick learner, because most of the time we ladies want the man to be in charge in the bedroom. And about busting a nut too quick: Try to jerk off before hand!

Need advice? Email leah@penthouse.com.

PHOTO: Pretty Puke