“Find a therapist, get on Tinder and be slutty, and paint your kitchen. You’ll feel better in no time”

Three’s Company
I’m a bisexual guy, and I just started dating a new girl. How do I go about telling her about my bisexuality, and how do I bring up wanting to eventually have us bring another guy into bed with us?

Wow, interesting one. Okay. Slow down… one thing at a time. Before you even think about mentioning bringing another man into bed for the both of you to share, you need to tell her you’re attracted to men and like to hook up with them. Me? I would love to have a threesome with two men. All that attention! Wow. But I don’t know how I would feel if my man wanted to also hook up with the guy. I’m not bi-shaming. It’s just not a turn-on for me. Plus I’m a jealous bitch. Maybe your woman will be totally into it. Who knows? But you need to first tell her you are bisexual to see how she reacts, and we’ll take it from there. Write in again and I’ll give you the next steps! Good luck!

Breathe and Let Go
Hi Leah. There was this guy I almost relocated for, because he lives in another state. I made the bad decision of telling my family about him, and they were so quick to judge him without giving him a chance. I’ve known him for over 13 years. We had communicated through email, phone, letters, but I’ve only seen him and spent time with him five times or so. Things did not work as expected, and he’s decided to move on. I, on the other hand, cannot let go yet. What should I do?

You can let it go. You just don’t want to let it go. Give it some time. When me and my ex split, I painted my whole kitchen pink, started doing yoga, etc. I distracted myself, found some new things I liked to do. Look at this as a positive. Being in love/infatuated/obsessed with someone else is so unproductive. Now you can do you! You only met this guy five times and you were willing to relocate for him? Girl. C’mon now. Go see a therapist. Sit in that couch and get to the bottom of some of your issues. Because that dude could’ve been a cannibal for all you know! Imagine you went to his house and found body parts in his freezer. Find a therapist, get on Tinder and be slutty, and paint your kitchen. You will feel better in no time!

Fan Boy
Hey Leah! Big fan. I think you’re amazing. I have one question. How can one fuck a woman of your caliber?

Thank you! Here are some prerequisites for fucking a woman of my caliber: have a job, don’t be an asshole, accept that I am always right, never annoy me or make me feel insecure, no addiction issues, seven-inch dick plus good girth, have a high IQ level, answer all my texts within one minute, and send me flowers every time I’m PMSing. See? Simple.

Crazy In Love
I like a girl with extreme Adderall and weight issues. I’m attracted to crazy and, for some fucked-up reason, I want to try to have a relationship with her. She openly says she cannot be in a relationship now and admits that she has extreme issues, but she does nothing to change them. I’m her only hope of trying to get her to seek help, and I feel that I should tell her family, but I’m very hesitant to reach out to them because it would turn her life upside down.

Oh, sweetie. I feel for you. My heart literally aches for you. Because I have so been there. It feels like you need to save her and you’re the only one who can do it. And if you save her, and she changes for you, then that means you are so fucking special because this woman turned from a total hot mess into the woman you know she can be, all because she loves you. I hate to burst your bubble, but this is called codependency. And the scariest thing is that you are sicker then she is. These relationships are addictive and intoxicating. This woman sounds like she needs a lot of help, but only she can help herself, when she’s ready. Sounds like you are totally focused on her, and maybe it’s easier to then not think about the things you need to work on for yourself? Trust me when I say this: She will drag you down with her before you pull her up. Let this girl go. I know how attractive we crazy bitches can be, but save yourself. Find some normal pussy. This is only going to end in a complete catastrophe for you. SAVE YOURSELF AND RUNNNN!!

Cougar Huntin’
I’m a 23-year-old male from the Bay Area. I’m a martial arts/boxing trainer, so I’m fit and not bad looking. Lately I’ve been extremely attracted to older women, but I haven’t had any luck. I’m told I’m cute but that I look like a child. How can I help my odds with the older women?

So easy! I have an older woman friend who is on cougar-dating websites. All you have to do is find one and sign up. I’m sure there are plenty of older ladies ready to do some naked martial arts with you.

Twinsies
Leah, I am a longtime reader of Penthouse and I really need your help solving a 2017 goal of mine. I have known these twin sisters for over 25 years. I have bedded one of them, but now she has decided to go back to her ex-husband. So, how do I now get her twin into bed with me? Let me know the inside scoop on how I may accomplish this feat.

This is the best 2017 goal I’ve heard so far. Fuck being a better person and saving the world and shit. I’m so curious to know if they’re identical. But c’mon, man. That’s fucked up. If this twin goes and fucks you, that is totally breaking SISTER CODE! Sisters should not share dick. Of course it happens by accident once in a while — yes, even to me and my sister. But this sounds way too incestuous. I mean, at that point you may as well try to have a threesome with them and step up your 2017 goals a little more!

Need Advice? Email leah@penthouse.com