1 — Surenda Oral Vibrator $43
Not to suck my own dick, but I make the best, most addictive chocolate chip cookies known to man. I will admit there was a time when I made extremely boring, uninspired cookies using the recipe on the chip bag. Then one day my son broke it to me, sounding a lot like Larry David: “Can’t you put anything else in these cookies? It’s just chocolate chips and there aren’t even that many. Some of these cookies only have two or three chips. What’s the deal with that?” Nothing like a four-year-old telling you that you’re phoning it in to light a fire under your ass, I suppose.

Since the Boy was my target demographic, I deferred to his expertise. “What do you suggest? How can I do better?” He advised that I add both chocolate chunks and dark chocolate chips to insure each cookie had a wide variety of chocolate. So, I listened and my cookies perked up. Still, the Boy was not happy so he suggested almonds and walnuts. I added the nuts and suddenly the compliments began to roll in… from everyone but the Boy.

“Can we add M&M’S and Reese’s Pieces?” he asked.

“There are no rules,” I said. “We can do whatever we like.”

“ Then add a Hershey’s Kiss in the middle of each one, too,” he demanded.

And I did. Three types of chips, two kinds of nuts, M&M’S, Reese’s Pieces, a Hershey’s Kiss in the middle, and a bit of batter to hold it all together like duct tape, and there you have a child’s wet-dream cookie concoction. There is so much sugar in a single bite that your heart will go from zero to 80 mph faster than any coffee or cocaine high.

Like chocolate chip cookies (and America), blowjobs have always been great. I think we can all agree that even the worst, toothy, brace-faced BJ is better than jerking off. But, like bland cookies and America (with its ugly history of genocide, slavery, and The Jersey Shore), there is always room for improvement in the world of oral sex.

In my 40 years on Jah’s green earth, I have been fortunate enough to have experienced the best of shines and the worst of shines, and I’m a firm believer that you most certainly can teach old dogs new ways to suck a bone. The blowjay my wife administers now, after 11 years of marriage, is far superior to the one I so enjoyed 16 years ago when we first met. I was just telling someone recently, my in-laws I think it was, that I do believe their daughter has mastered the art of the BJ.

I stood firm in my belief that no instructional class or book could possibly further titivate the gift of her two lips. Then the Surenda Oral Vibrator arrived, and I had to rethink everything I ever knew and loved about fellatio after just one use.

The experience of having a high-powered vibrator hooked to the side of my wife’s mouth, making direct contact with my dick while causing her to drool uncontrollably, was such a new and wonderful experience that midway I removed myself, cupped my wife’s chin, and brought her face up to meet mine. I looked her dead in the eyes and whispered, “Before we go any further… I feel like… I should introduce myself. My name is Chris.”

In the past 16 years, my wife has given me roughly two blowjobs a week, times 52 weeks, averaging out to 104 blowjobs a year for 16 years, for a lowball estimate of 1,664 blowjobs in our relationship. Needless to say, I know the inside of her mouth better than her dental hygienist, and yet getting head with the Surenda Oral Vibe in play was like having a new wife who revealed her secret identity as a sexual superhero with the uncanny ability to render mortal men powerless in mere minutes with her super sucking skills.

Thankfully, the Surenda Oral Vibe is no Thor’s Hammer and can be wielded by anyone with a mouth. The Mrs. now insists that I wear one whenever I go down on her. My advice: Buy two so you’re both always geared up for peak performance.

Rating: 11 nasstoys.com

2 — Skwert $25
Why is it that, as a society, we will accept and even laugh when an infant or child intentionally poops all over us, but we scoff at the accidental presence of even the slightest bit of fecal matter between lovers in the throes of anal sex? Is it not obvious that even a moment of butt sex is far more pleasurable and rewarding than 18 years of parenting? Why the hall pass for a loved one that contributes nothing to the world and not for another who is willing to give themselves to you completely? At what age does shit cease to be cute and tolerable? Asking for a friend… .

Actually, I’m not. As a father of two with nearly eight years of experience, I can say that I’m officially over my kids having “accidents” on me. I can remember no less than a dozen times that my kids pooped on my leg, on my hand, and once even sprayed a glorious poocano on my face and shirt while I attempted to change a diaper while said child battled a stomach virus. I’m praying to Sterquilinus, the God of Feces, that my most recent instance, in which I had to barehand a massive log as it exited my youngest boy in my in-laws’ kitchen, was my last dose of daddy doo-doo duty.

My wife on the other hand? She can defecate all over my wang all she wants if it means I could be her Backdoor Man. Sadly, poop during sex is frowned upon in most places not named Germany, and tends to be cause for mates pulling the e-brake at even the airborne hint of it. I suppose it’s that stigma that led to the creation and demand for the award-winning Skwert Water Bottle Douche Adapter Kit. Thanks to this travel-size miracle of modern technology, no longer must butt players pack countless enemas when going on sexcation fuckfests. The handy dandy no-leak screw design fits on water bottles and shower hoses of any size, making “going clear” as easy for anal acrobats as it is for Scientologists.

Warning: The Skwert’s deep cleaning is highly addictive. Esteemed porn star/Penthouse photographer/anal aficionado Kimberly Kane testifies that, “Skwert makes you feel lighter and clean both inside and out. You also get a euphoric feeling the deeper you go.” Which doesn’t sound like a bad thing until your water bill arrives and you realize your partner has been in the shower for three days…

Rating: 10 skwert.com

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK / AVDEENKO; PRODUCT PHOTOS COURTESY OF NASSTOYS / SKWERT