One comedian’s arguments against what we were taught to believe.

Happy New Year, everybody. Hope it’s a good one for you. It probably won’t be. Actually, it almost certainly won’t be. Look, it won’t be. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but with the way things are going, each of us is likely to be trolled by the president on Twitter, somehow connected to a sex scandal, and sustaining ourselves on recycled urine, all by early March. 

But here’s the good news: You can use your New Year’s resolution as a distraction from the horror of life. You can set your sights on bettering yourself, in that one seemingly minuscule way, as a means of focusing on a small positive instead of the gargantuan negative.

I know, I know. Most of us are lousy at keeping those optimistic promises we make ourselves every January 1st, but that’s where more good news comes in. I have a resolution for you that will be incredibly easy to honor. In fact, it takes zero effort and you won’t even need to act on it for another three years. Don’t vote in the next presidential election. That’s it.  

This isn’t a resolution for me, it’s a lifestyle. I don’t vote for the president, I’ve never voted for a president, and I am quite confident I never will vote for a president. Before we proceed, let me address the first of several criticisms that will surely come from certain readers…

You’re apathetic. 

I’m absolutely not. Apathy is a lack of interest or concern. I’m completely interested in what the leaders of this country are doing and it concerns the hell out of me. I just can’t do anything about it. None of us can.

And before you accuse me of white privilege, save it. I’m adopted and I’m not even sure if I’m white. A bunch of those DNA and family-tree websites tell me I’m Middle Eastern and African. But let’s just say I’m white since I was raised by Italian-American parents and I’ve been told — in a startlingly racist turn by so many self-proclaimed progressives — that I “pass.”

Now, with me being white in mind, my perspective on government was birthed many moons ago, when I, as an 11-year-old-boy, discovered hip-hop. My favorite rappers — surprise, the majority of them not white — schooled me on the values of radicalism. They taught me that major societal changes don’t come from people playing ball. Leaders who truly fight for the people usually function outside of the system — Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Jesus, etc. And we all know what happened to them. That’s why it’s no surprise to me that our outside-the-box, third-party candidates — you know, the ones most Democrats and Republicans yell at you for wasting votes on — are silenced, bullied out, or never stand a chance in the first place. Therefore, true change just isn’t possible. You’re reduced to swallowing the crumb promises a mere two parties offer you, and they don’t even make good on those most of the time.

It’s not the lesser of two evils, it’s the better of two candidates.

In this day and age, with all of our access to information, I literally — and I mean literally — can’t understand that there are still people talking about a how presidential candidate “gets them.” The level of power and wealth you need to acquire to even run for president is unfathomable to most people. 

And I’m talking about the people that legitimately run, not the guy in glitter tights that hangs out in back of your gas station who somehow got his name on the ballot. I’m referring to the handful of Republicans and Democrats that end up on the pageant stage, out-shitting one another for the nomination. Those assholes are on another planet from us.

I’ve actually heard people refer to presidential candidates as “down to earth.” Are you fucking kidding me? Who else is down to earth? Tom Cruise? I’m sure when he’s not saluting a volcano alien, he’s just a real straight-shooter. How about Lady Gaga? Get her out of that meat suit and she’s just the gal next door.

There’s a reason why every Hollywood movie about the White House centers around power, corruption, deceit, and lies. And there’s a reason every Mafia movie revolves around the same. Because art imitates life. Yet, we take the gangster flicks at face value and label the political films “thrillers.”

But not voting is crazy.

Is it? Take a look at the numbers. Most of us aren’t happy. I know I’ve never witnessed the end of a president’s term and heard someone say, “That was great!”

Over the last fifty years only three presidents have received a majority approval rating. Three. That’s less than 30 percent. But we just keep trudging forward, repeating our actions, and expecting different results. That’s crazy. In fact, it’s the very definition of insanity.

Let’s take things in the other direction for once. I’m willing to bet that nobody showing up at the polls on the next election day would be a louder statement on behalf of the people than what we keep doing every four years. Our individual votes don’t mean dick against the Electoral College anyway, so what have you got to lose? One of two things will happen: Either we, the people, will actually be heard for once, or we can at least avoid feeling hustled and embarrassed for buying into a bill of goods.

I’m willing to bet that nobody showing up at the polls on the next election day would be a louder statement on behalf of the people than what we keep doing every four years.

Well, if you don’t vote, you can’t complain.

Talk about a fundamentally untrue concept. I don’t vote and I complain constantly. Watch, I’ll prove it: THIS COUNTRY SUCKS. See? Any minimally witted human being is capable of understanding that you don’t need to participate in a broken system in order to recognize shitty circumstances.

Besides, we question the integrity of every other system, bureaucratic or not. Faith in your church is considered a pipe dream, faith in your employer is deemed misguided, and faith in your marriage lasting is unrealistic. We call the police force corrupt, accuse judges and juries of being bought, and wave a collective middle finger at Wall Street. Our money isn’t safe in the bank, our loved ones aren’t safe in the streets, and no one feels safe enough to retire. Politicians “misspeak,” salespeople mislead, and non-profits misappropriate donations.

And we’re supposed to believe a government-run process, monitored by a foreign organization, consisting of several members that hail from countries the research organization Freedom House ranks as “not free,” is somehow clean? By the way, the current voting system was created in 1787 and hasn’t been updated since 1971’s Federal Election Campaign Act. There’s a new iPhone every eight months, but our federal election process is good to cruise for at least a cool fifty years.

People fought for your right to vote. It’s your duty as a citizen.

People also fought for my right to own slaves. Just because people were willing to risk life and limb doesn’t mean their cause is appropriate. But, to be fair, when it comes to voting, warring or fighting or marching for the right to do so was not just immensely important, but necessary. Having the ability, or illusion, of expression should be a right — or empty exercise — shared by all Americans equally. Good on us for achieving that.

But doesn’t it seem like an odd coincidence that the more people were granted the right to vote, the more the government seemed to slip through our fingers? The more we were allowed to raise our voice, the less our voice was heard.

Couldn’t it be that, maybe, just maybe, subterfuge was afoot? They gave us a shiny distraction to shut us up? We all own a few shares in the company, but none of us are actually sitting on the board. It’s a fucking rub. It’s like when the car dealer talks to you about the value of a rebate or when Costco advertises that buying twenty pounds of salmon instead of two actually saves you money.

Voting is a means of involving yourself, regardless of its impact.

It’s been my experience that at this point in the no-voting debate, the pro-voting advocate will usually say something along these lines. That’s fine. If the act of participating helps you sleep at night, then go ahead and run with it. Good rest is important. But call it what it is. Voting is essentially praying. It’s another way for someone to express the need to believe in something in order to avoid the spirit-crushing possibility that there is no greater purpose.