“You’re just staying with this chick and wasting her time because you think you’re a great stepdad? Give me a fuckin’ break, dude.”

NEW ADDICTION
Hi Leah, I’ve been drinking on and off for a while, and I recently decided I needed to stop, for myself and the people around me. Every time I stop, though, I either overeat or smoke cigarettes excessively. How can I quit drinking without overcompensating with something else?

Fellow Addict, I totally feel your pain. I did the same thing when I first quit drinking. It’s a BITCH. But in the long run it’s worth it. I promise. Don’t beat yourself up for eating and smoking a lot. It’s better then being black — out drunk and beating up your sister with a blow dryer (sorry Sarah, I love you). Here’s the thing: Once an addict, always an addict. We are excessive people. We live in the extreme. You need to accept that and make it work for you. It’s not easy being an addict, but what if you got addicted to something that was good for you? A lot of sober people end up being marathon runners, martial arts masters, starting companies, finding new passions, etc. You need to take that wild energy you have inside you and move it toward positivity. I think you should sign up for a few different types of classes and see what draws you in. There’s a whole world of possibilities waiting for you. It’s dope. Trust. I’m rooting for you.

NOT ALL WRITE
Hi Leah, I don’t know you personally, but I’ve listened to your podcast and I want to collaborate creatively with you. I’m a writer and clearly impulsive, so contact me if you don’t think I’m a complete psychopath so we can talk about some possibilities. 

Okay, I have no idea what this email means. What does “collaborate creatively” mean? What kind of possibilities!? For a writer, you write terrible emails with no details. No offense.

WHAT A DICK
Please Leah, can you rate my dick from one to ten? Also, is there anything I can tell women to make them wet?

Alright, I checked your dick pic out. It’s way too big for me, that’s for sure. The shape is a little off. I would give it a six. But hey, another girl might give it a ten.
As for getting a woman wet… it’s more about touch, less about talk. I don’t think there’s much a man could say that would get me wet.

TRENDHUMPER
‘Sup Leah. Lately, I’ve been so discouraged and unmotivated. I decided to dabble in photography once my boyfriend started getting more into music. He became my muse and it was fun, but then he started taking pictures of his friends and musicians. He got a lot more likes than me, and whenever I would tell him my ideas he would turn around and do something similar. A few of my friends started doing photography now, too, and it just feels like a trend at this point. I’ve decided to hire a personal trainer because I’m just not happy with how I look and I’m hoping that helps how I feel on camera. But yeah, I’m just a 27 — year — old girl who’s sad about not finding her role in the world. I’m creative and funny and I want to do so much! I took my civil service test three years ago and got called for a corrections job, but turned it down. It would’ve been a pay cut from what I do now, and when I went to the prison tour I was the youngest person there. I’m truly seeking inspiration to find out what my purpose is. It makes me sad, considering my age and not having figured it out yet. Sorry if this is boring. Never really told anyone this. Thanks for listening.

You are right… being a photographer is a trend these days. And mostly anyone can do it. But it takes an artist to capture moments. If you are a real artist don’t be discouraged and don’t stop taking photos. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a douche for biting your ideas. Tell him to get some originality. Wack! And it’s normal to not feel inspired all the time. We simply can’t be. If we were, then when we came up with really creative stuff it wouldn’t be special. I go through dry spells all the time where I don’t feel inspired. But I have a different approach to it: I say my creativity is resting. It’s recharging. It can’t be on all the time. Twenty — seven is still young, but it’s also a very pivotal year. I say you need to make some decisions at this age and stick to them. Either go full steam ahead with photography or go with the corrections job. Twenty — seven is a very important age where we make at least one big decision that changes the course of our life. No pressure! I know you’ll make the right one.

STRAPPED
Leah, I’ve been dating my GF for about four months. So it’s pretty new and we’re still getting to know each other. Sex is really good and she’s not an amateur, neither am I, so we’re both open and have a lot of fun in bed. She’s the first girl I’ve been with in a while that I feel maybe I can tell my fantasy and she’ll be down to fulfill it. But I’m scared it’s going to turn her off and she’ll leave me. I have always fantasized about a girl using a strap — on, and yes I’m a male. I’m 36, I’m not gay, nor do I have any desires to be with a man. I just have a fantasy about a woman totally dominating me like this. What do I do? Do I go for it and let her know? Or keep it a fantasy in my head? Please help!

This is a very taboo subject, I’m glad you’re bringing this up. Personally, I’ve never had a BF ask me to do this, but I did have a boyfriend who wanted me to put a finger up there nonstop. And he is the least — gay guy I know. A lot of people aren’t sexually open. They don’t understand that, gay or not, there are pleasure points inside your ass. But this sounds like it’s about power and S&M. If you feel very comfortable with her, just bring it up. Honesty is the best policy. At the end of the day, you want a partner who can fulfill your needs, and that includes sexual needs, or you will go elsewhere to get them met. And believe me, there are a lot of Doms waiting to get paid to do you in the butt with a strap — on. So I say talk to her about it, ask if she’s ever done it before? Maybe watch some porn and bring it up. I think you’ll know when the time is right. If she is weirded out, don’t be surprised. As I mentioned before, this is a taboo subject. She might get uncomfortable at first, but explain why it turns you on. She might be thrilled! Good luck.

STEPDOUCHE
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. She has a child. For the past six months or so, I’ve wanted to break up with her, but I don’t want to upset her kid. It’s not like the dad isn’t around, but I’ve grown attached to her daughter and I feel bad leaving. What do I do? 

The world sucks because of men like you. You sound like a total narcissist. What makes you think that the child even gives a shit about you? Are you a better dad than her actual father? Probably not. So you’re just staying with this chick and wasting her time because you think you’re a great stepdad? Give me a fuckin’ break, dude. As a mom, this question annoys the shit out of me. Can you tell? Your girlfriend can take care of her child without you. She doesn’t need you playing Captain Save — a — Bitch. She’ll be fine and so will her kid. Please be honest with her and bounce. And next time, think a little harder before you date a woman with a child

Need Advice? Email leah@penthouse.com