My fiancée is passive in bed, and I’d like her to be more aggressive.

How can I get her to loosen up and take the reins? — S.O., Florida

It depends on her temperament. With some women, you can have a frank conversation about your sexual desires. Since you’re asking to mix things up occasionally and not introducing some kind of fetish, a simple, direct conversation should be enough.

If you’re not comfortable having that conversation, however, you can drop hints instead. Take her lingerie shopping and pick out something your fantasy domme would wear, or get her in a sexy cop costume. Women love presents, and a change in wardrobe can lead to a change in attitude. It’s not particularly subtle, but it’ll definitely clue her in to your desires.

If that’s out of your budget or comfort zone, try saying things like, “It’s so hot that she’s so dominant and aggressive,” whenever you watch a movie with a sexually proactive female. Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Bound, Jade or pretty much anything with Angelina Jolie are good movies for this. It’s the slow road, but maybe she’ll eventually catch the drift.

Now for the bad news: some people are simply not aggressive in the sack, and your fiancée may be one of them. If she’s not comfortable exploring that side of her personality, you have to respect that. That’s why I think a frank, honest conversation is best. You can ask how she would feel about being sexually aggressive from time to time and listen to her feelings on the issue, then address her concerns as a couple. It’s a great problem-solving strategy to get into if you’re planning to spend your lives together.

This column doesn’t constitute medical or professional advice. Always consult a qualified health care professional for your medical, psychological, or relationship problems.