Have you ever seen an older, well-dressed man with an attractive, much younger woman and wondered if she’s just with him for his money?

There’s a very good chance that she is … and he knows it.

The growing popularity of the “sugarlife” is undeniable. Young girls called “sugar babies” — some of whom are dealing with college debt and an ever-rising cost of living, some of whom just want to be pampered — seek the company of older, successful men called “sugar daddies” willing to support them.

Rachel is a 23-year-old, recent college graduate with a sugar daddy who takes her out for expensive meals, gives her lavish presents and takes care of her day-to-day expenses, all in exchange for her company.

“I met my sugar daddy before I even knew what a sugar baby was,” Rachel says. “As we got more involved, he started giving me things a lot easier than I expected. Then he explained the relationship to me. He said he’d look after me like a dad would care for his child.”

Rachel says that her sugar daddy is not only a companion, but a mentor. “He’s always there for me. He’s a father figure in my life. He not only supports me financially, he’s there to build me up, make me better, teach me things. He’s taught me how to budget myself so I can be more responsible with the money he gives me.”

When asked about the sexual component of their relationship, Rachel claims there isn’t one. “My sugar daddy and I are not sexually involved. I’ve been sexual with other daddies, but I’m currently dating somebody who’s not a sugar daddy, and they’re both aware of each other.”

Many young women like Rachel are discovering the sugarlife as an option to the more conventional world of dating. The sugarlife dating website SeekingArrangement.com saw a 58% increase in college student membership from December 2011 to December 2012. The site now boasts 4.5 million active members.

SeekingArrangement CEO Brandon Wade attributes this, and the growing acceptance of the sugarlife in mainstream society, to the media. “Shows like Millionaire Matchmaker talk about the lifestyle. You look at the Real Housewives of New York, the Real Housewives of Atlanta, they used to be sugar babies before they snagged themselves a rich husband and became ‘The Housewives.’ Reality shows are all about bling and living a luxurious lifestyle. All of those things contribute to people finding this scene more acceptable.”

Wade, an MIT graduate and former software engineer, found it difficult to meet women, so he developed SeekingArrangement.com and its sister sites, PerfectArrangement.com and WhatsYourPrice.com.

“My inspiration was my own desperation,” he says. “I was very much a nerd, and it was very difficult for me to get a beautiful woman to go out with me. When I was in a nightclub, I was the guy standing in the corner with a beer, feeling awkward and not knowing who to talk to. I remember my mother saying to me, ‘Study hard and focus on school, because someday you’ll be successful and you can use your generosity to turn that game around.’”

“Jim,” a 32-year-old business owner, found the site — and the sugarlife — while looking for love online. Jim says the biggest advantage about the site is “meeting women who are interested in men who have their shit together. I’ve dated a few women where the relationship was more like a business transaction, but I’m happier with women who aren’t there just for the money and want more.” Even though he’s not as well-established as some of the older men on the site, Jim can still provide a comfortable lifestyle for whomever he’s dating. “Women have always wanted the guy with the biggest cave or the biggest club, whoever’s gonna bring home the most meat from the daily hunt,” he states. “It’s just natural.”

Jim’s sentiments are echoed by Ian Oliver, author of Getting Back on Top: The Uncensored Guide to Sex, Dating and Relationships After Divorce and another of SeekingArrangement’s members. “A lot of women aren’t looking for the stereotypical sugar baby/sugar daddy relationship but are interested in a successful man who knows what he wants, has some flexibility and can do things with her. That’s what I’m looking for: a good connection with a woman who knows what she wants.”

One aspect of the sugarlife begs the question, “Isn’t it just a form of prostitution?” “Linda” dated a man whom she met on SeekingArrangement who only wanted to exchange money for sex. “The things that he wrote in his web profile — ‘Looking for companionship’ and ‘Want to spoil’ — sounded great. I knew going into it that there would be some type of sexual transaction involved, but sex being the only thing he wanted upset me. It seemed more like prostitution than companionship or a relationship that develops into something more.“

Dr. Kathleen Barry, professor emerita at Pennsylvania State University and author of The Prostitution of Sexuality, told Cosmopolitan in 2013 that, “Both prostitutes and sugar babies are bought by men willing to pay them to be sexually available, and they’re both damaging acts. Unlike prostitutes, sugar babies have a delusion about their autonomy. They believe that paying their tuition without loans, or carrying a Prada bag, makes up for whatever they’re giving away. These women may act with bravado, but they often feel shame. The power inequality mostly benefits the daddy, leaving the baby as powerless and dependent as her namesake.”

Wade feels the comparison between prostitution and the sugarlife is both unfair and inaccurate. “Money and sex are a part of every romantic relationship,” he explains. “If you’re in a romantic relationship, you’re probably having sex and buying gifts for each other. As long as there’s no strict exchange of money for sex, which we don’t allow on the site, it’s not prostitution. It’s a gray area, I’m not going to deny that, but it’s clear where the line is drawn. In this case, you’re talking about a lot of people who are seeking a better life with a successful person. They want to be pampered and spoiled. They want gifts, some want allowances, but that doesn’t make it prostitution.” Wade says that his websites empower babies and daddies alike: “The sugarlife is about two people with two different sets of power coming together to fulfill each other’s needs. The one who has money is probably very lonely, so in that sense, he’s weak. The very attractive woman is in high demand, so in that sense, she’s strong but probably cash-poor, so there’s also weakness. So it’s about bringing together two people with two different types of power to play with each other.”

Despite Linda’s experience, she still thinks there’s some genuineness to the lifestyle. “I think that a lot of cases are the opposite of my experience. It sucks that I got a bad guy, because I was looking forward to supplementing some of my income with a sugar daddy. It ended up not working out, but I do think there are legit guys out there who want companionship and a relationship.”

Kaytlin Bailey may have the best insight of all into the sugarlife/prostitution question. While still in school, she worked independently as a high-end escort. After several years, she retired from escorting to pursue other areas of interest. Now 29 years old, Bailey has a patron to assist her financially while she focuses on a career in stand-up comedy. “I definitely put it under the umbrella of sex work,” she says, “it’s just not prostitution as I know it. First of all, sex is not a sure thing. My patron and I met six or eight times before we slept together because I understood that it was both a job interview on my part as well as me asking myself, ‘Is this something I really want to do, and is this the person I want to do it with?’”

Kaytlin finds the power dynamic between her and her patron very different from the power dynamic between her and her escort clients. “As an escort, I was absolutely in charge. I was the professional in the room. You were coming to me. That was my business, and I ran it the way I wanted to run it. I didn’t work with a pimp or a madam, so I set my own rules, and if someone didn’t follow them, it was fine, but then I kicked him out. I felt very comfortable with that, because there were six other men lined up to take his place. With this, since we’ve both invested a lot of time and resources into the relationship, there’s more of a fear that he’ll call it off, so I work very hard to avoid dependency.” For Kaytlin, escorting was more about indulging in a fantasy than about money; living the sugarlife is more about having the essentials (and some perks) taken care of. “I look at SeekingArrangement as a means to an end even more than the escort work I did. Escort work was about fantasy. I never wanted to do it ‘for the money,’ and I told myself that when I quit, I quit. Then I became an adult. It’s easy to tell yourself these things when you’re in your twenties and all your needs are being met. I had no concept of money. Now, years later, I look at as a means to an end. Sugar daddies will introduce you to things that are out of your reach. Drinking $700 bottles of wine will ruin boxed wine for you.”

Kaytlin also says that an escort needs to protect herself in far different ways than a sugar baby. “You need to be more careful emotionally with sugarlife arrangements. With prostitution, you need to be more careful physically. When you’re dealing with someone who’s going to be writing you a check, and your tax lives are going to be intertwined, if you have a tax problem, he has a tax problem. There’s a level of built-in protection, because this person has more to lose than someone that shows up at your hotel room and pays cash. At the same time, the more time you spend together, the more that power dynamic can get in your head. Sex work gave me the tools that I’d need to be present and protect myself.”

Every form of dating has its pitfalls, and the sugarlife is no exception. Wade cautions sugar babies to know what they want before engaging in any contact with a sugar daddy. “One thing I tell them is never have sex on the first day — or, preferably, the first month. Wait until you know him. You want to know that a sugar daddy has genuine intent. Someone looking to take advantage of you probably isn’t going to stick around for a month.”

Kaytlin also cautions sugar babies to use the perks of the sugarlife to empower them, and not to just lay back and relax while their daddy pays the bills. “I’m getting myself out of debt, and I’m fighting the impulse to develop a lot of expensive habits. I have ambitious savings goals, and I’m not losing my other network of resources. It’s important to have multiple revenue streams, because if this is the only thing you have going on, it puts you in a place of dependency, just like in a real relationship.”Kaytlin offers this advice for babies and daddies alike. “Even if your other revenue source isn’t enough to sustain the lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to, make sure it’s enough to sustain a lifestyle. These arrangements always end, and you have no protection. You can walk away and he can walk away without an emotional and financial catastrophe. If you don’t want to have an identity crisis in eight years because you were some guy’s ‘sugar baby,’ do something else.”

The biggest pitfall for sugar daddies is women looking to take advantage of their generosity. Wade offers this advice for daddies: “It’s so easy to leave that gray zone and cross the line into prostitution. You see these amazing women, and sometimes you may be propositioned, which is against the rules of the site, but people still do it.”

What do you do when faced with such temptation? “I encourage daddies to stick to the rules. If you cross the line, a lot of things can happen that aren’t worth the risk. You might get in trouble with the law, and your bright future might disappear tomorrow. Know what you’re looking for, filter, and stick to the rules.”Like any other form of dating that deviates from the norm, the sugarlife is full of success stories from people who found happiness through a non-traditional method, as well as cautionary tales advising of the potential perils. But those in the lifestyle truly seem to enjoy it and think there’s even a long-term commitment in their futures. When asked about the potential for marriage to a sugar daddy, Rachel says, “Sure! I’ve had great connections with them. It depends on where they are in life, and where I am.”

In the end, money is an aphrodisiac, just like a muscular body, a pretty face or a sense of humor. People living the sugar lifestyle know this, and are open to exploring the dating options that financial stability can bring.

“They obviously don’t care about what the world thinks,” said Wade. “They realize, ‘I’m going to see for myself.’”

David Harris is an independent comedy and BDSM filmmaker, freelance writer, occasional comedian and a Magister in the Church of Satan. You can see his films online on YouTube and also on www.heideenytes.com.