I am not a licensed therapist, guru, or magic relationship mender.

This is sex and love advice from a guy who has seen both failure and success in the relationship department. I am a little jaded, a little disillusioned, a little sarcastic, yet very honest. Answers may be sincere, absurd, comical, or sometimes flat-out wrong. You’ll have to consider the source, I suppose.

Is it wrong for the girl to pleasure herself, and does the guy have the right to be upset with her? Just curious.

Listen, even if the guy is 18 and wants to fuck all the time, you have the right to do whatever you want with your own body! It’s almost upsetting that you think you even have to ask. The answer is, No, he does not have the right to be upset about it. Your body is your body and you do not owe anyone an explanation for what you choose to do with it. You should be in a relationship with someone who is comfortable enough with himself to encourage you to explore your sexuality, not hinder your experiences. Frankly, I enjoy it when my partner takes charge a little and tells me what she wants or likes. I say, have at it. In fact, try pleasuring yourself during penetration. I hear it’s the new black.

Would it be pretentious or rude of me to ask my sex partner to pay for the costumes and lingerie he wants me to wear for him? Also, do you think asking him this question, even if he agrees to pay, would kill the spontaneity that suggestive clothing and roleplaying seem to bring to the bedroom?

First thing you need to do is look up dedthe definition of pretentious. Got it? Okay, moving on.

I’d say that if your partner wants you to dress up as a furry little bunny rabbit or a small Vietnamese boy from a war-torn village, then by all means he should pay for it. I can tell you that I pay for all the costuming at my place. As for lingerie, why not be spontaneous and buy some on your own in addition to what he buys you? That way you still have the element of surprise once in a while when it comes time for the reveal.

Why are quickies sometimes the best sex?

Let’s see. No dinner, no parking, no movie, no conversation, just a momentary passionate exchange of chemistry, lust, endorphins, and pheromones crammed into a heightened state of physicality. All the time in the day available to work, play, watch TV, and/or see friends and family, knowing that you just had the hottest half hour of your life. God, I have no idea why quickies are sometimes the best sex.

In polyamorous relationships, how do you go about introducing your date to your lifestyle when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Well, I would explain my lifestyle prior to going out on the date. That would certainly make things easier and, frankly, more fair for your date. I know it seems awkward to start off that way, but it’s going to be awkward at some point. Might as well allow the date to decide if he or she even wants to engage. You can be vague. Use terms like “open relationship” and “free-spirited.” If a girl said those things to me, I’d be psyched! But that’s me. Some people are looking for something different, and you have to be honest from the start about your stance on the matter.

Are you ever too old for sexual experimentation?

I’d say yes and no. I mean, a colostomy bag could be problematic in certain positions, yet removing one’s dentures could result in a slice of heaven!

Why are we attracted to the wrong types of people?

Probably for the same reason we love sugar, coffee, smoking, alcohol, drugs, motorcycles, dairy, red meat, and anything and everything else we’ve been warned about in our lives. Personally, I’m attracted to a challenge. Safe and easy and boring don’t really get my heart pumping and my blood flowing. Perhaps it’s the same way for others, although I have to assume, as I cannot speak for everyone. I think that when there is an added risk of emotional danger or rejection, the perceived payoff is greater. I say perceived, as the payoff isn’t always what we might have hoped for.

Illustration by Tom Richmond