“Brush your teeth, shower, wear something non-douchey, and be yourself.”

Rebound With Care
Hi Leah. Several weeks ago I ended a ten-year relationship with someone I should’ve never been involved with. I recently met a woman and would love to give a great first impression. I’m attracted to her both physically and mentally. She has a seven-year-old child and isn’t married. I really don’t want to blow it, because I can see definite relationship material here. Any advice? Thanks! Jim

“Several weeks” doesn’t seem like a good amount of time to give yourself after a ten-year relationship before jumping into a new one! This sounds like it’s a rebound. And even if it’s not, you must proceed with caution. This woman has a child — and take it from someone with a ten-year-old daughter, I don’t bring ANYONE around my kid. You need to take it very slow. And don’t be a dick. That’s the main thing. I know it’s hard for you guys to not be dicks, but try your best! You are most likely not healed at all from this ten-year relationship that sounds like it was a nightmare. I totally get it, though. Just like they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. And it works… temporarily. But don’t forget who is on the receiving end of it. Don’t be selfish, Jim!!

Date Rust
Hey, I guess I’m sort of looking to get back into the dating game but really don’t know how. When I was in college it was so easy, I didn’t have to try, but now it just seems kinda hard. Maybe because I’m grown up now and know what I want and am being picky. Just not sure.

Okay, you sound very indecisive. Are you sure you know what you want? If you did then it probably wouldn’t be so hard to get back in the dating game. I don’t even know how to answer this question. Maybe go on Tinder or Match? Bumble? And go out on some dates. Brush your teeth, shower, wear something non-douchey, and be yourself. That’s how you date. A lot of girls are DTF on first dates and only want sex, you know… cuz it’s 2018. So be sure to bring condoms.Hope that helps!

Dialing Down
Dear Bipolar Twin, please share some techniques you use when you are hypomanic to calm down. I do yoga, exercise regularly, and I eat well. I’m so tired of taking benzos that aren’t even doing anything. Also, can you share what calms you down when you are on the depressed and irritable side of bipolar type 2? Like, when you are so depressed you want to kill anyone who talks to you. Have you tried Chinese medicine? I need alternatives because nothing works for me and I’m trying not to lose my shit. P.S. Anything help your sex drive? I haven’t fucked in a month and have no desire. I don’t drink and I don’t use recreational drugs. Maybe I need to masturbate more? Help! Love u gurl, Christine

Hi honey! Oh, man… yeah, being crazy is definitely a job. So I usually just go with my hypomania and try to use it productively. Like, write, organize my closet, paint my walls, have sex! But when I need to break from it I pop a Klonopin and take a nap. And usually when I wake up I’m better and calmer. I do yoga and eat well and all that, too, but sometimes you just need to knock yourself out.

Yes, the irritation/agitation part of BP2 is the worst. I am such a raging cunt when I’m feeling like this. Sometimes I color in a coloring book, go for a run, just take a break and change the scenery from whatever it is I’m doing. If you change your thoughts you can change the way you feel. So find something to focus on. That’s why I like coloring.

As for my sex drive… I never have an issue so I don’t know what to tell you! Viagra for women? Porn? Buy a new vibrator? Love you! 

Uneasy Listening
Hey Leah. The girl I’ve been seeing for the last month listens to the worst fucking music. She’s great in bed, has a solid job, and is really sweet. She can cook, too! But shit, her musical taste is the worst. I’m seriously thinking of breaking up with her because her music is so shitty. Have you ever either dumped a dude or turned a guy down because he listens to lousy music?

Hey Music Snob (JK). Maybe you should try to take her to some shows? Introduce her to music that you like? But here’s a thought: What if it’s YOU that has the terrible taste in music? If a guy dumped me because of my LOVE for Britney, then he’s not the one for me anyway. I want my man to buy me front-row tickets to Britney and also come with me and enthusiastically watch how excited I am! I think you’re taking this way too seriously. You will die alone if you put so many rules on how perfect someone has to be for you to date.

You Gotta Be Choking
Okay Leah, what’s up with choking? I’ve now dated two guys who both want me to choke them during sex. I’m afraid of either leaving bruises around their necks, or some sort of accidental death situation. I can’t help but think they’re damaged and need a woman to hurt or scare them to get off? I don’t get it. I’m getting a little freaked out here.

Ugh, I would hate that. But then again I don’t like to dominate during sex. At all. I mean, I’m sure they’re both damaged because we are all damaged. You aren’t uptight. I’m the same way. I’m kinda normz in bed. I just wanna be fucked right. Like, half passion, half porn. I don’t want some dude asking me to choke them out! Cut these guys off and find you a man who wants to grip your neck lightly, not get choked out!!

Need Advice? Email leah@penthouse.com