One Guy’s Arguments Against What We Were Taught to Believe.

“Honesty is the best policy.” — Benjamin Franklin

While keeping the above quote in mind, indulge me while I offer another: “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”

So said George Carlin, in his 1999 HBO special You Are All Diseased. And here we are, almost 20 years later, amidst what appears to be the collapse. We’ve finally been granted the truth and its face is ugly, its embrace is cold, and its strike is hard. 

Honesty has not only arrived, it has us surrounded. The curtain’s been pulled back, yanked down, and burnt to a crisp. Welcome to the 24-hour news cycle, cameras, snitches, and snoops hiding in every corner, precognitive smartphones alerting us to every blip on the radar before it even happens. And as we take a long and painfully revealing look at the true nature of humankind — corrupt politicians, crooked shamans, cheating business moguls, and the rest — the comfort of enlightenment is nowhere to be found.

We’ve made “truth” synonymous with “information” and that’s just not always the case. Sometimes truth is just some haunting shit you didn’t want to know. As a result of this information onslaught, many of us are panicked and unsettled, ceaselessly reminded of our present crass reality. That’s only natural. But few in the pack seem to have any idea that they had a role in crafting it. We spew unfiltered thoughts on social media platforms — some of this stuff impacting the livelihoods, opportunities, relationships, and dignity of ourselves and others. But try taking Twitter away from people (and I’m referring to the adults here) and I’d bet you’d see a wave of tantrums — emotional, physical, and violent. We pat ourselves on the back for clumsy opinions, arrogant assumptions, and only apologize sarcastically: “Sorry, I’m a bitch.” But try telling people — again, the adults — that they need to shut the fuck up and listen once in a while, and my guess is their response would be far from “I’m all ears.” 

Pompous entitlement disguised as the pursuit of happiness has Americans devolving into the brattiest of children — all of them demanding they get what they want as soon as they need it. And the most demented of any of these “yearnings” is this call for truth. Because the thing people never count on is the truth they get not being the one they identify or agree with. At the end of the day, people don’t want the actual truth. They want a certain version of it: one containing jokes that don’t offend them, images that don’t disturb them, and news that doesn’t break them. 

Look at our president. At long last, we have a truly transparent commander in chief — someone who doesn’t do the dance, mince words, or give a rat’s ass about his critics. He just stays the course; no tact, no grace, no apologies. And is that a relief to the public? Not quite. Our candid leader doesn’t soothe or reassure us. He just plops his figurative dick on the Oval Office desk and lets the entire free world know he doesn’t give a fuck. (Granted, Bill Clinton had his actual dick on the desk, but we never got to see it because it was always in somebody’s mouth. I believe that’s called damage control. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take the unseen literal dick over being smacked in the face with the metaphoric one any day of the week.)

Don’t get me wrong, Trump lies as much as any of his predecessors, but he’s the first president to do so while letting us know he’s in on the charade. I haven’t seen a guy noncommittally mail in a script like him since De Niro’s last seven movies. So, Donald is dogshit. And so was Hillary Clinton. She’s a demon disguised as a devil. But “disguised” is the key word here. She knows how to sell a fib. I like that. When it comes to the big stuff, deceit helps me sleep at night.

I’m not pigheaded or stupid enough to think I can handle knowing all the dirty secrets of the powers that be because I occasionally browse WikiLeaks or watch CNN or Fox News in the morning. There’s a reason the government has security clearances: The more you know, the more rotten you are. It takes a special kind of centered scum to know just how dirty this world’s hands can get. I’m proud of the fact that I don’t fit that bill. You should be, too. Since when did keeping certain information from certain individuals become such a bad thing? In the mob, it’s what keeps you alive. At work, it’s what keeps you sane. In a marriage, it’s what keeps it working.

When I was a kid, we were broke. My parents lived paycheck to paycheck, carried massive amounts of credit card debt, and owned a house they could barely make payments on. They were living the 1980s American dream. But you know what? I was never aware of the severity of the situation until I hit college. My mom and dad kept the illusion of stability going. They knew, eventually, we’d make it through the tough times and there was no point in panicking a kid, even one who thought he could handle anything. I’m so grateful my folks did that. It allowed me to enjoy my childhood, even if all the perks weren’t there. Had I known of their financial crisis, what was I going to do? Get a job? Chip in? Take out a loan? I was nine years old, for Christ’s sakes. I would’ve shit my pants and cried.

All this truth, all this honesty, all this realness…it’s worthless. There’s nothing we can do with the information. It’s just a miserable burden. I know plenty of people reading this will disagree with that, and to them I say, “Have fun screaming into the deaf ears on the internet and arguing at parties instead of drinking and making memories with your friends.”

Honesty is undoubtedly not the best policy. Sure, honesty is truth, truth is knowledge, and knowledge is power. Some of that is great — too much will drive you crazy. I know most of you hated or avoided Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but trust me, just go watch the climactic scene of that movie. Cate Blanchett’s stereotypical Russian character gets too much knowledge shot into her brain by the stereotypical alien character. Then her head explodes or some shit. It’s bad. But here’s the kicker: She asks the alien to do it! She thinks it will enlighten her! Wrong.

Enough with the enlightenment. Take all the info in sparingly. Make a greater habit out of dimming your lights, drawing your blinds, and hanging out reminiscing with people you’ve known all your life. But please remember: If any one of them ever says that “honesty is the best policy,” that person’s probably a lying prick.