After over five decades on the planet, I finally gave in and joined an online dating site.

What the fuck took me so long, seriously? Photos, bios, insights into favorite positions… looking for a relationship, looking for a good time… Man, I feel like I slept through the revolution. I’m an ass man. Big time. Love the butt stuff. I want knees to buckle as I massage that G spot from the inside. And this over — 50 dating site was a lifesaver. Do you know how awkward it is to talk about this fetish with a woman I just met at a bar… or at church?

Her name was Kate. Perky tits, tiny waist, heart — shaped ass, jet black hair, and she totally got me laughing with a dirty little love note — sent via fucking snail mail — with a picture of two miniature poodles humping, and two words on the back: Hump Day. I was a little surprised because her profile made her seem so conservative, but she had this sexy twinkle in her hazel eyes that just screamed, “Lick a shot of tequila off my belly and fuck me sideways till we pass out!”

The note had directions to meet at this little hotel, right outside town. I knocked on the door. “Get in here!” she yelled. And there she was, on all fours, her butt in the air, vibrator humming on her juiced — up clit. My dick got rock — hard in three seconds.

“Lube up and climb aboard, Sailor.” Um, aye aye, Captain?
I was so frickin’ horny as I slid off my pants, lubed up, and eased my cock inside her tiny puckered asshole. Yes, this was happening.

Her ass cheeks were soft, yet firm. The jiggle was rhythmic. I reached around and pinched her plump, raspberry nipples until they were hot to the touch.

“Fuck my ass,” she said, “Fuck it hard. Slam that cock as deep as it goes. I can take all of it.”

I sunk my sausage to the base — farther in than ever before. And it felt so right. I was getting close and she knew it. She clenched up and it slowed everything down for me.

“Goddamnit, Kate, what are you doing to me?” She said, “I brought a plug and I want to shove it in your ass. You game?”

Hell, yeah, I was game. She shimmied off my dick and grabbed a butt plug from under the white pillow. Thankfully it was a small one, but at this point I’d do anything for her. She had me.

She massaged my balls, licking my dick so sweetly, and popped a finger into my ass to get me ready. Then we heard the TV go on in the room adjacent to ours. Football blaring. Then there was yelling. Yelling above the TV. The wall was paper — thin, and this dude was obviously not happy with the Browns (pun seriously not intended — it actually was the Browns game). Total boner — killer.

“Wait just a minute. I’m going to get them to shut the fuck up,” Kate said. She put on a robe and headed for the door. I chased after her, but it was too late.

Out in the hallway I saw her standing there, shaking the greased butt plug in the startled face next door, shouting, “Turn that goddamn TV down!” Game definitely over.

Illustration by Jason Johnson