Girls are taught the ancient Wiccan code: “If one shall pee, so shall three.”

Mark G. presents us with this riddle:
I consider myself a well-educated man, sophis-ticated, with a PhD in literature, yet I still can’t wrap my head around the following. Why, when my girlfriend and I are at dinner with two other couples (or even one other couple), and my girlfriend or one of the other women have to pee, THEY ALL GET UP TO PEE TOGETHER? Reason? Help!

Calm down, Mark. You’re dealing with a conundrum that has plagued the male of our species since our primordial days.

Archaeologists recently discovered the remains of a bison hunt. They were able to establish that three men feasted on said bison in one cave, while three females in an adjacent cave made use of prehistoric water bowls, soap, and mints (now fossilized). Clearly this has been going on for a long time.

The good news is that I can provide an answer. The potentially bad news is that the answer is a real head-spinner and may cause you psychological damage.

Having the same curiosity as you, I recently put on a wig and a hoodie and entered a women’s room. Since I barely passed as a woman, I just kept my head down a lot. I’d thought about installing cameras at my friend’s bistro and filming it; however, had I done that, I would be writing you from prison.

First, push out of your head and completely disregard your understanding of what you think a women’s restroom is. The only similarity between the men’s room and women’s is a door (one saying  “Men,” the other “Women”).

We men open our door, head right for a urinal or stall, pass our water, wash our hands, head back to the table.

But as I discovered in my disguise, the women’s door is a false door. It simply leads to another door, which itself leads to something much more than a restroom. 

It was the home of a coven, a sect of Urinary Celtic Wiccan women (or, as they playfully call themselves, “Pee Witches”). The restroom is actually two or three times the size of a men’s room, with nooks, crannies, secret chambers, etc.  

Apparently, all girls go through a highly secret ritual upon puberty. Either loyalty or fear keeps them from discussing it. Girls are taught the ancient Wiccan code: “If one shall pee, so shall three.”

These white witches guided me to a stall where I could pee. But that was only a minor part of it. Afterward, my hand was taken by a gnome (in addition to Wiccans, the women’s restroom contains gnomes and fairies) and I was led to still another room, where I was anointed with sacred oils.

After the anointing, I was taken to the Great Hall of Bitching & Mirrors, where I was seated. This lengthy hall contains row upon row of mirrors. I was instructed to check my makeup and bitch about my dinner companion. Spells were cast on me, and depending on how I described my “date,” sitting back in the restaurant eating his food, spells were cast on him.

You may ask, “What if a man is dining alone with a woman and she has to pee?” Not a problem. The Wiccans keep rooms for “singulars” and for women who enter in pairs. All the same rituals go on, with gnomes and fairies attending.

Later, as I left the Great Hall, sage was passed across my body, I was given a small, sacred Wiccan stone and I became… empowered.

Every time a woman pees at a restaurant, she receives this empowerment stone, which eventually wears off, until her next foray into another restaurant’s restroom.

When I returned to the table after ditching the wig and hoodie, I noticed other women returning to their waiting husbands, boyfriends, partners, what-have-yous, all of them asking, “What took you so long?”

This is where all that jazz about long lines, few stalls, toilets out of order, hair-pulling fights inside the women’s restroom, etc., is proffered as an excuse.

So now you know the truth, Mark. Your girlfriend is a witch. Don’t make an issue of it, though. They cast long spells.

Photo: Shutterstock.com / Aleksander Hunta