1 — Male Edge Extra $175
I’m no rocket scientist, but I firmly believe if you pull on something long enough it’s bound to stretch out. Even a car door. In simplest terms, that’s how the Male Edge penis enlarger works.

The tool (heh!) uses “penis traction,” the company says, which causes “tissue cells to divide and multiply — a process called cytokinesis. Over time [this] results in new tissue growth throughout the penis, making you longer and thicker in a matter of weeks or months.”

So if you’re sick of being a semi-grower (not a show-er), then the Male Edge could potentially be the answer. All you need to do is wear this somewhat intimidating-looking piece of plastic on your wangdoodle, morning, noon, and night, under your clothes and while you sleep for a mere 28 WEEKS for a 28 percent permanent increase! That’s right! It’ll only take half a year to make your pecker a wee bit larger.

Don’t have that kind of time? Well, in only eight weeks you could see a nine percent increase!

We here at Penthouse didn’t have weeks or months, so we wore the Male Edge for a day and used the same technique we’ve been using to make our penis bigger since we started the magazine back in 1965: We put our face as close to our dick as possible and squinted. And it worked! After one day of using the Male Edge our penis appeared enormous!

Perhaps one of the coolest things about the Male Edge is that you look and feel like you have a superhero robo-cock when wearing the hardware. We spent the entire afternoon pretending our pecker shot lasers whenever we had to take a piss. We’d make blaster noises at the hockey puck in the urinal — that seemed to make us forget we were stretching our dick out all day in the name of journalism.

Rating: 7 sextoy.com

2 — Hex Condoms $11/3 pack
I have three steadfast rules I live by: I won’t wait on long lines, I don’t do flight layovers, and I do not wear condoms. I haven’t accomplished much in life, but as I head into my 40s, I feel like at least I’ve earned the right to follow my three rules. Kind of my code, you could say.

In an attempt to insure I’d never have to wear a condom again, I dropped my pants the moment the delivering doctor confirmed my second son had ten fingers and ten toes. I handed him a scalpel, said, “Cut me, Mick,” and insisted he sever my vas deferens.

Granted, I’m an advocate for safe sex as well as a proponent of population control. I encourage anyone reading this to wear a condom, because if humans continue to reproduce at our current rate, I fear there will not be enough ice cream for all of us and I’d hate to have to kill anyone’s child over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

If you’re like me and despise condoms but hate STDs even more, then I urge you to use Hex condoms by LELO (“The World’s First Re-Engineered Condom”) — a thinner, stronger, more natural-feeling product than anything on the market. And despite my steadfast rules, I did some testing and the Hex is the closest any condom has ever come to making me believe I wasn’t fucking a rubber glove. Which is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said about a prophylactic.

Rating: 7 lelo.com

3 — Divine 9 Lubricant $20
Ever since I was first misinformed about HPV, I wanted to contract it. Growing up in a two-road factory town in suburban New Jersey (read: toxic and ignorant), I was given a lot of bad advice by a number of stupid people. One such tidbit was: Women love a guy with HPV because it lets them know he’s up for going downtown.

As a big fan of giving women oral pleasure, I never viewed Human Papillomavirus (HPV) — the most commonly sexually transmitted infection in the U.S. — as a Scarlet Letter. Just the opposite! I’ve been praying Ms. Claus would bring some Papi-V each Christmas since I was 13 so that women everywhere would know how dedicated I was to cunnilingus. I recently told my wife my theory and she revealed, yet again, how clueless I actually am about sex. “HPV,” she said, “can also be transmitted anally or vaginally. It’s not necessarily a sign of being a proficient box muncher. And you know it also can lead to cervical cancer and genital warts, right?”

I did not know. Nor did I want to. But once I did know, I swore off sex. I told my wife I would no longer be having any manner of intercourse with her, for her own protection. Calling my bluff, she replied, “Fine. I want a divorce.” “That’s not an option,” I responded. “Let me see if there’s an alternative.” And there is! Divine 9 lubricant, made with CarraShield (a blend of sea-algae extracts), has proven to be a potent inhibitor of HPV in laboratory tests conducted by the National Cancer Institute.

Now, my new rule is that I buy Divine 9 by the 50-gallon drum, fill our bathtub with it, and have sex completely submerged in lube. It’s either that or the invisible HPV terrorists win.

Rating: 10 hpv-prevention.com

4 — UVee Cleaning Units $140
Aside from having your sex partner steal your wallet while you’re passed out, one of the worst possible bedroom scenarios is inserting what you believe is a clean sex toy in your lover and having them scream in pain because the invisible biofilm that toys often harbor is burning their naughty parts. It generally puts the kibosh on sexy fun time.

Germophobes, worry no more! UVee has created an effective sex-toy cleaning system. Scientifically tested by a master biochemist from Harvard Research, UVee’s patent-pending germicidal UV-C light system kills 99.9 percent of all bacteria in just ten minutes. It’s been proven effective against yeast, E. coli, salmonella, streptococcus, pseudomonas, and other microorganisms. The best part is the childproof locking system doubles as a safe-deposit box to hide your wallet from sexy pickpockets.

Rating: 10 uveeclean.com

5 — Ridley the Xenogon $60 to $160
For a great many American climate change deniers, the only type of science they accept as fact is science fiction. All you can say to people like that is, “Fuck ’em!” Literally. We suggest using one of Bad Dragon’s wonderful “state-of-the-badass-art” handmade sex-toy designs. BD’s Ridley the Xenogen, a dildo in the shape of the Xenomorphs from the Alien series, is available in four sizes and dozens of customizable colors. It arrives just in time for the May release of Alien: Covenant.

Nerds of the world: Unite, fuck, and take over!

Rating: 11 bad-dragon.com