Because no one knows a high-maintenance like a high maintenance bitch.

Every woman has a high-maintenance bitch inside her. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s what gives us our competitive edge and extremely soft skin. Have you ever noticed that the bigger the bitch, the softer the skin?

Dermatologists will tell us girls that we need to exfoliate, rinse, tone, and cleanse our face like it’s a laundry cycle, when really all it takes is embracing a bratty attitude every now and then.

You see, low-maintenance women are all about what you want, not what they want. Low-maintenance women internalize their feelings, and these feelings have nowhere to escape so they get clogged up in the pores, leaving the skin oily and rough. High-maintenance women make sure they get their way, which leaves them happy and refreshed. This gives them clear pores, resulting in baby-soft skin.

I don’t make the rules (and neither does science). God wrote the book, and from what I hear She’s a real high-maintenance bitch.

The key is to find a woman who is 75 percent awesome and 25 percent high-maintenance. Scientifically — ahem! — speaking, there are six types of women in America, and here’s how to win an emotional fencing match with each of their inner high-maintenance bitches.
(Disclaimer: All the women described in this article are caricatures found only in bad romantic comedies.)

The Alpha Female
The Alpha Female is great, because not only does she think she knows more than you, she does. She has two degrees, most likely in law and English literature, but only got the second one for “personal knowledge.” Her career is the most important thing in her life, so you better have a magic cock if you plan on changing that. Even then, the Alpha Female isn’t all about penis. She needs someone who meets, but doesn’t challenge, her own level of success. She will have you sign a prenuptial agreement, even if you make the same amount on paper. The Alpha Female doesn’t want to be told what to do, or how to do it, so when she comes home complaining about a horrible day at work, just listen, pour her a glass of wine, and say, “That sucks. I understand.” Don’t offer solutions to her problems. She’ll have already thought of (and vetoed) at least seven by the time she’s done telling you how stupid her coworkers are.

The Socialite
The Socialite usually dwells in a big city. If you see her in a rural area, it’s because she’s been murdered and dumped in a field. (It’s the closest she’ll ever come to camping.) This woman is more like a girl. She feeds off the glow of her iPhone and has a mirrored case so she can check her makeup before she takes another selfie. You have to be a bit high-maintenance yourself to combat her vanity. Whether she’s from old money, new money, or just wants your money, she’ll never be satisfied. You are a dick until she wants something, then she’s sweet as pie. Most men reluctantly stay with a woman like this, insisting she has a “magic pussy” or something. Her pussy may be magical, but it ain’t special… because everyone has a magic pussy. (Have you seen what a pussy can do? They’re like the Criss Angel of the female anatomy.)
The only way to keep your sanity with this archetype is through discipline. No one stands up to this girl. Her parents spoiled her and her friends in high school were all scared of her. She’s surrounded by “yes” men and she is so bored. Alpha up and be the “no” in her life. She demands you pick her up when she’s done drinking with her girlfriends? Tell her to take an Uber. She wants to host a baby shower at your place? Think again. She needs your car? Nope, not that either. It’s like “time out” but for a grown-up woman.

The Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master
You would think that the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master would be as low-maintenance as a betta fish, but she’s not. You can’t go out to eat because everything needs to be gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, farm-fresh, non-GMO, and on and on and on. If you’ve had a shitty day, she’ll blame it on your aura and suggest a shaman or Reiki and crystal healing. She does not wear lipstick (cruel to animals) or nail polish (toxic poison), and will blame everything on the universe. However, the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master can be fun. She’ll go camping with you, travel just about anywhere, and will experiment with freaky, mind-expanding drugs. She’s up for anything, especially if nature is involved. And though she may spend half the time talking to you about cloud formations, she’ll be down to fuck in the woods (you know, to be closer to Mother Earth). The best way to deal with the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master is to meet on her level. Try the kombucha she insists is delicious. Go to that hot yoga class with her. She’ll respect the effort, even if you suck at it.

The Homemaker
The Homemaker just wants to nest. She loves antiquing, thrifting, shopping, cooking, and even folding laundry. She is obsessively clean and finds joy in using a vacuum. She loves animals and children, and can’t wait to have a house full of them. The Homemaker has one dream and it’s very 1952: a nice suburban home, three kids, a dog, and a husband who brings home the bacon. She is more than happy to do everything domestic like childcare, gardening, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining a gorgeous, homey household. She’s old-fashioned that way. You handle the finances and keep a roof over her head, and she’ll keep filling it with stuff. Sound good? It is… but now that she’s made her home her purpose, she won’t let anyone mess it up. You’ll spend a month’s salary on Swiffer sheets and have to take your shoes off before setting foot inside. But, the Homemaker will never disappoint your dinner guests, so every meal will be made from scratch and taste like heaven. You’ll get fat and happy. 
How do you land this girl? Luck of the draw. Five decades ago these babes were a dime a dozen, but now not many people even want a relationship like this. If you find her, hang on tight.

The Country Girl
The Country Girl is about as low-maintenance as it gets. She grew up on a farm, so dirt, change, and hard work don’t bother her. She knows how to drive a truck, fly-fish, and butcher a chicken. The Country Girl played with knives, not dolls, and knows how to handle herself in a zombie apocalypse. She likes guns almost as much as horses, and her Beaumont-Adams is her favorite possession. The Country Girl grew up with five brothers and is treated like a princess by all the men in her family. Though she’s resilient and fun, she’s got a fiery temper. Her brothers were tough and her father was tougher, so she has thick skin and a low tolerance for bullshit. The only high-maintenance people in this situation are all the guys she grew up with, so you should worry about impressing them. Don’t show up in clean sneakers. A real man doesn’t own clean sneakers.

The Psycho [Hose Beast]
Never worth it. Run. Restraining orders suck and you don’t need another gun rack.

Photo: Shutterstock.com / OneInchPunch