Depending on which orifice is ingesting the pot, I can take either a lethal amount or the dose you would deem appropriate for your goldfish.

For example, when I use Foria’s Explore, an anal suppository containing 60mg of THC and 10mg of cannabidoil (CBD), I will pop two into my butt and feel at the top of my game. Now, if I ate 120mg of THC in a chocolate bar, I would be folded over like a lawn chair, tripping out on how awful I was as a teenager and regretting about 70 percent of my life — but I digress.

Thankfully, the days of struggling to roll a joint are over — now you can eat weed candy, drink weed cocktails, and lubricate with weed oil. Here our some of our picks, but remember that many of these products are only available in states where marijuana is legal.

A — MONK DRINKING BOTANICALS
This one hooked me because of the packaging. The most girly thing about me, besides my boobs and vagina, is that I am a sucker for potions in tiny glass bottles. Monk Drinking Botanicals is a California brand that creates healthy cannabis beverages that even your mom would enjoy. Sipping allows you to control your intake, while the flavors are so delicious you won’t even taste the weed. Each of the five flavor profiles is branded like Chanel perfume. No. 017 contains grapefruit, cinnamon bark, and cayenne with a sativa strain, while No. 028 mixes turmeric, lemon, and ginger with an indica blend. With 10mg of both THC and CBD in each drink, these babies will leave you pleasantly stoned.
monkprovisions.com

B — KIVA CONFECTIONS 
There’s a reason these chocolate treats are in every dispensary in Southern California: they are super potent and even more delicious. Yesterday, I ate a stoner’s bite while working at my desk and forgot how much THC was actually going into my body.  After realizing I had downed about 30mg of THC, I had to go make myself vomit before the medicine set in. It was probably the only time a non-bulimic purged on delicious drug-filled chocolate. Seeing as how this company is all about quality in both the treat and the cannabis, I’ll NEVER puke up a piece again.
kivaconfections.com

C — DEVIANT DABS
Did you ever do “hot knives” in high school? Dabbing is the sophisticated version of that. It’s for cannabis vets. Deviant Dabs’ whole theory is that if you’re going to be into the heavy stuff, you better be inhaling top-shelf, Martha Stewart-quality concentrates. The brand cultivates an artisanal line of lab-tested wax, shatter, and rosin from their various flower farms in Mendocino County. It’s about as farm-to-table as you can get on Planet Dabs.
thedab.com

D — TREATWELL 3:1 CBD:THC TINCTURE 
San Francisco’s TreatWell makes reasonably priced tinctures that can be added to food and drinks, or just ingested straight out the squeeze tube. They rigorously lab test all their products to make sure their customers get the cleanest healing possible. While I highly recommend their THCA Tincture for your elderly aunt with a broken shoulder, their 3:1 CBD:THC Tincture is the jam. While most CBD products are disguised in grape seed oil (gross), TreatWell uses food-grade coconut oil so delicious I actually started to crave the taste of the tincture. The 3:1 is the perfect ratio to kill any muscle pains and give your head a sweet, calming buzz.
treatwellhealth.com

E — FORIA EXPLORE
Recently, Foria came out with an anal suppository aptly named Explore. Originally, this jojoba oil-based sex tool was intended to help the body relax during anal play, but Foria found that test patients were reporting Explore helped with their lower back pain, chronic sciatica, and even hemorrhoids. I will pop two when I want to relieve muscle tension and float like I’m on Valium. Rectal absorption rates are second to mainline injection at 50 to 70 percent, but does not allow the medicine to cross the blood-brain barrier. Once I got comfortable with sticking weed up my asshole, I never looked back.
foriapleasure.com

F — MRS. EXCELLENCE MIDNIGHT VANILLA CBD OIL
Ever since I read that CBD can help cure psoriasis, I was on the hunt for the right CBD balm to fix up my skin. One dispensary recommended Mrs. Excellence, and after only a week of testing it out, I saw results. My skin was clear, itch-free, and starting to look good again. I love to use this oil for burns, cuts, and general skin care. Plus, it smells amazing. This might be the perfect product to keep your girlfriend’s complexion healthy and shimmering.
mrsexcellence.com

G — APOTHECANNA EVERYDAY FACE OIL 
I always say you should loosen the purse strings for three essential products: shoes, jeans, and skin care. Wash your face with cheap synthetic products, and your skin will turn to pleather. Apothecanna’s Everyday Face Oil is a THC-infused avocado oil with organic essential oils like geranium, cedar, and sweet orange. It’s intensely moisturizing, lightweight, and ultra-hydrating. It’s the perfect bathroom product for both you and her.
apothecanna.com

H — GUILD EXTRACTS PURE CBD or THCa CRYSTALLINE 
Guild Extracts are a collective of extraction artists who create award-winning, medical-grade cannabis products in the wildest forms. My favorite is Pure CBD Crystalline. Guild Extracts reports a 99 to 100 percent potency and I concur. Though I am much too frigid to dab the stuff, a sprinkle of Guild Crystalline onto the tongue is the best mood stabilizer nature can offer.
guildextracts.com

I — LOVE GRASS
Love Grass is a California company that specializes in non-psychoactive cannabis formulas for both dogs and cats. This magical stuff has helped rid dogs of tumors and given cats a tenth life after being diagnosed with thyroid dysfunction. I gave some to my mother’s chocolate lab who was petrified of going down stairs. Now, he struts them like a champ.
lovegrass.love

J — ALTAI SEA SALT CARAMEL BON BONS 
It’s no shocker these delectable little bon bons took the bronze medal for Best Edible at the 2015 World Cannabis Cup. The bronze is a big deal considering the amount of chocolate, Weetos, hard candies, and gummies that are out there laced with cannabis. The biggest mistake most edible companies make is just slapping cannabinoids on like a layer of paint. Altai takes it to the next level, swirling 25mg of THC into one perfect little bite that gets you just the right amount of high.
altaibrands.com

K — GENIUS PIPE
This sleek, thin pipe can be stowed away discretely into your pocket or bag without so much as a whiff of weed. It’s shaped more like an iPod nano than a pipe and holds up to ten hits in one little bowl. Slide the top down to extinguish the flame and tuck it back in your pocket. Every girl in a flower crown will be begging her boyfriend for a Genius Pipe to pack for Coachella.
geniuspipe.com

L — BHANG HEMP PRODUCTS THC and CBD MOUTH SPRAY
When I discovered Bhang Hemp’s fresh mint spray, I was off gum in a flash. Three spritzes under the tongue and my breath is minty fresh and my nerves calmed. If you’re like me, I suggest the 350mg Pure CBD spray, but if you want a head high with your mint then go for the 300mg THC spray. Each spritz packs 2.5mg of medicine.
gotbhang.com

M — SIMLEAF
simLeaf is an educational (but gamelike) app for the aspiring weed farmer, or the curious mind that wants to understand the process of growing da ganj. Choose from sativa, indica, or hybrid seed packs; once the grow begins, move into a high-res 3D grow room where you manage temperature, humidity, water and pH levels, and lighting. Once you’ve grown a healthy plant, you can step up into crossbreeding.
simleaf.com