Gotta Catch ‘Em All… But Be Careful

It’s been about four months since the world lost its goddamn mind over Pokémon Go, and with the game having recently been rolled out across 15 more countries, the GPS-enabled mass-multiplayer reinvention of the 90s cartoon is showing no sign of slowing down. On the day Niantic released Pokémon Go,it shot straight to the top of the app store, and within 24 hours, it had beaten every other game in popularity. Now it has over 25 million active users in the United States alone, making it the biggest mobile game in this country’s history.

At its peak, Pokémon Go has attracted more users than Twitter, Tinder, and even Pornhub. Let that sink in for a minute. A smartphone game where adults are walking the streets to catch imaginary monsters is currently more popular than internet porn… What a time to be alive.

Right now, you can barely walk the streets or through a park without bumping into some Poké-nerd who has paused to fling a Poké-ball at a rogue Zubat, and it’s rare to go a day without hearing someone squeal when they’re in the vicinity of a Pikachu. Hell, it’s gotten to the point where you can’t even visit your great granny’s grave without a group of grown men chasing Bulbasaurs around you.

So before you call me cynical, yes, I admit there are benefits to the game. Pokémon Go is getting people out of the house and moving, and, unlike any other videogame, it does promote fitness. The more you walk in Pokémon Go, the more eggs you can hatch and the more likely you are to add to your Pokédex.  It’s encouraging people to explore their neighborhoods by tricking them into exercise as they scout nearby terrain for imaginary creatures. Plus, the game is aiding in natural selection…

Seriously! People are addicted to this game to the point where they are literally putting their lives on the line to swipe at a cartoon.

The list of people that have gone missing, crashed their cars or been hit by one, been stabbed, and even died while playing the game is growing.

“People are addicted to this game to the point where they are literally putting their lives on the line.”

Some people are just idiots though. Such as the pair of players who were charged with criminal trespass after jumping into a tiger enclosure to hunt Pokémon at the Toledo Zoo. Or the woman who was arrested after stealing a 13-year-old’s bike so she could cover more ground. Or the guy who was so engrossed in the game he was bitten on the foot by a venomous snake in Texas. Then there’s the 62-year-old man from New York who wandered into the woods to chase Pokémon and ended up having to call for help after he got lost and then stuck in a mud pit. What about the woman who had to phone 911 after she chased a Pokémon up a tree and then couldn’t get back down? Or what about the couple of players who were so captivated by the game that they didn’t realize they had illegally crossed from Canada into the United States?

Then there’s the opportunists — the people who see groups of other people wandering the streets and parks at night, engrossed in their phones. The number of players who have been attacked, robbed, beaten, and had their phones and wallets stolen while playing Pokémon Go is also growing. Some people are even setting up “lures” — a geolocation feature that allows players to lure others to a location for 30 minutes — with the intent of robbing players when they arrive at the spot.

And what about the people who have had enough of strangers wandering around like zombies and trespassing onto their properties? One woman in Ontario was charged with firing a pellet gun at a group of Pokémon Go players, while another threw a firework at someone from his vehicle. Then there was the man in Florida who shot two teenagers after seeing them outside his home late at night and hearing one of them say, “Did you get anything?” Or what about the guy in San José who slashed a player with a straight razor after he assumed he was recording him? Then there’s the jealous asshole who assaulted his girlfriend after spotting her out with a group of random men — unbeknownst to him, she was with her Poké-gang…not Poké-gangbang.

Gotta catch ‘em all…but be careful — look up when you’re crossing the street and avoid being the next Poké-tard to be listed as a Pokécide.

Photo: iStock / stellalevi