I play a game with myself called “Fantasy Lottery.” It’s not so much a game as it is just daydreaming about what I would do with the money if I won the lottery. The first thing on my fantasy list is to buy some oceanfront property in Big Sur, California. Big Sur is my favorite place on Earth. On my Big Sur property I plan to have a cheeseburger farm, a herd of wild dachshunds, and a sea otter sanctuary. It will only be accessible by a chocolate helicopter.

Since I’m going to be living in Big Sur after I win the lottery, I thought it would be a good idea if I subscribed to the local newspaper so that I’m abreast of all the happenings in the area. Big Sur proper doesn’t have a newspaper, but the neighboring town of Carmel-by-the-Sea does: The Carmel Pine Cone. Although I call it The Carmel Crime Cone because the only section I read is the “Police, Fire, And Sheriff’s Log.” If I’m going to be living in Big Sur, I need to stay on top of the local crime scene and familiarize myself with its villains. One can never have enough fantasy security for one’s fantasy property.

It should be noted that Carmel-by-the-Sea is a small, affluent community. Clint Eastwood was once its mayor. The town hosts the PGA Tour on its Pebble Beach golf course. This is, in short, a town that is full of rich people, and rich people crimes are very different from poor people crimes. Most rich person crimes involve routine traffic stops, or an old person tripping over a curb or something, but there are always a handful of very curious incidents entered into the log each week:

Pacific Grove Man reported opening his wife’s Forest Avenue business and finding a handwritten note tucked in the doorway. He stated that a subject known as “Joe” has repeatedly left handwritten notes at the place of business. He said “Joe” stopped writing notes for approximately eight months but recently started again. The handwritten note is not addressed to anyone in particular and does not threaten or harass. The letter was addressed from “Joe” stating he was going to make dinner — spaghetti and meatballs. Officer advised the man to let “Joe” know his letters are not welcome and to stop writing notes.

If you’re like me, you’re wondering: what’s the problem here? Joe is making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Sounds delicious. The only question, of course, is: Are the man and his wife who own a Forest Avenue business invited to dinner, or is Joe just being a good neighbor by letting them know that he’ll be enjoying spaghetti and meatballs for dinner?

Pacific Grove: A man and woman who used to live together stopped by the lobby to ask for assistance from an officer. When the officer arrived, the woman was irate because her ex-boyfriend would not agree to drive her to San Francisco for a scheduled surgery in two weeks.

If she was able to drag him into a police station so she could yell at him in front of a police officer, she’ll be able to make him drive her to San Francisco. Or maybe she tricked him into going into the police station? Like, “Hold on, I need to stop in here real quick and tell the police about the coyotes that ate my cat last night.” Murder! And he was like, “Uh, derrrr, okay.” And then when the officer appeared, she was all, “This motherfucker won’t give me a ride to the city!” Either way he’s giving her a ride to San Francisco for surgery. I bet he’s hoping it’s a lobotomy. Oh! Maybe it’s an abortion? The plot thickens.

Carmel Valley: Person on White Oaks Lane stated someone defecated in the pool.

First: that’s a crime? What, are rich people too good to shit in the pool? Secondly: you can call the cops about that? I wonder, do the cops come and clean the poop out of your pool? I mean, why else would you tell the police about poop in your pool? Do you tip them? Or do they arrest it and put it in poopcuffs? So then there’s no tip because it’s just in the line of duty? Doodie!

Carmel-by-the-Sea: Report of a female with a hammer in front of City Hall. She was contacted by police. She was trying to open a can of food with the hammer. Officer advised her to use a can opener. She said she would go home and use a can opener. She did not meet the qualifications for 5150.

I bet it was a can of tomato sauce and that this lady is somehow connected to Joe. Maybe she’s Joe’s sous chef and she’s in charge of making the sauce for the spaghetti and meatballs? Man, this spaghetti and meatballs sounds amazing. Can’t wait to move up there.

It should be noted that Carmel-by-the-sea is a small, affluent community. Clint Eastwood was once its mayor.

BY DAVE CARNIE

They do crime differently in peaceful Carmel-by-the-Sea.

endgame