Frank Sinatra famously said he felt bad for people who didn’t drink because they woke up feeling as good as they were going to feel all day.

While I agree with the Chairman of the Board that teetotaling sounds about as much fun as a game of charades with Stephen Hawking, I must admit to having spent a few mornings huddled beside the toilet, ruing the day I ever decided to embrace the sozzled lifestyle, and swearing to all that is holy that if I survived, I’d never, ever drink again.

Yah, um, not so much.

I cover the adult-beverage beat for esteemed periodicals such as the one you’re holding in your hands, and I’ve been doing it long enough to know better, too. So I understand the urge to promise yourself, while in the throes of a hellacious hangover, that you’ll never partake again. But for irredeemable inebriates like myself, “I’m done” is to drinking what “just one more episode” is to binge-watching Breaking Bad — a flat-out falsehood. Let’s not kid ourselves here. We dig us some drinking far too much to quit anytime soon.

And while we’re at it, let’s dispense with any half-crocked notions of taking commonsense steps such as avoiding shots, downing a glass of water after every cocktail, eating to slow down the rate of alcohol absorption, and — yawn — moderation. When heavy drinking is involved, you’re as likely to use hangover-prevention measures as you are to remember you’re married at a strip club.

Fortunately for you (me, not so much), I’m all too familiar with waking up in worse shape than that bathroom in Trainspotting. And I have hard-earned, field-tested solutions to the problem. Here’s what you gotta do…

H2O Go!
When suffering the acute effects of alcohol-induced head trauma, you’ll find there’s no better friend in all the great wide world than pure, simple, unadulterated water. Water will grab the bad stuff out of your bloodstream, allowing you to pee out the toxicity. So drink tons of it, and maybe pop a few analgesic tablets for good measure. Those’ll give your central nervous system the reassuring pat on the back it needs, and let it know everything’s gonna be okay, eventually. Then, straight away, you should…

Bang It Out
For all the many ways alcohol can lift us up, it can be a real downer, too. Studies by smart people in lab coats have shown that consuming booze in mass quantities may lower male testosterone. This partially explains why you often wake up hungover and horny after a night of overindulgence — your hormone-depleted body wants its mojo back in a bad way. Having sex gets the blood pumping and increases the amount of pain-killing oxygen in the body, which goes a long way toward shutting down those angry little fuckers playing grab-ass behind your eyeballs. In lieu of a willing partner, you can always take matters into your own hand. Now wash up and follow up that roll in the hay with…

A Big Fat Greasy Cheeseburger
First off, cheeseburgers are one of the most delicious foods known to mankind. On top of that, they’re full of protein which breaks down into amino acids. The aminos are intrepid little warriors that lay siege to acetaldehyde, the odious alcohol-induced poison that’s beating on your booze-soaked noggin like it owes it money. Amino acids convert acetaldehyde into water and carbon dioxide, which are then sent packing when you take a good long piss. To recap, in goes cheeseburger, out goes hangover. It’s the circle of lush, friends. The circle of lush.

Retox
There are many theories regarding the origin of the phrase “hair of the dog,” but they all come down to the same thing: You’re going to get loaded again so you can avoid feeling the aftereffects of getting loaded. A wonderful long-term strategy. See you in rehab. But the dirty secret of this method is that it’s usually quite effective. Just bear in mind that the trick is to drink enough to alleviate the hangover, but not get hangover-worthy again. You DO NOT want to go messin’ with the double hangover. That’s like ramming your skull into an amp at a Metallica concert. You just don’t want to go there. Got it? Good.
So let’s get started on the road to recovery with these booze-fueled remedies…

Trick & Treat
Created by Eric “E.T.” Tecosky of Jones Hollywood, Hollywood

1 can of ice-cold Coca-Cola
1 ounce of chilled Dirty Sue Premium Olive Juice

Set an alarm for an hour or two before you actually need to wake up, and drink the Coke. Go back to bed. After you wake up again, do the shot of Dirty Sue.

Says E.T.: “I have been personally researching this for over 20 years and it helps. The sodium in Dirty Sue will trick your body into needing/wanting more water, and hydration is the main goal here. Oh, and if you really think you may be in trouble, add two Advil to the Coke.”

The Edge Off
Created by Malina Bickford of Cliff’s Edge, Los Angeles

2 ounces Angostura bitters
2 activated charcoal caplets
ginger beer

Dissolve charcoal caplets in a shot glass filled with Angostura bitters, then pound that shit. Chase immediately with a shot of ginger beer.

Says Malina: “I’m not going to lie, it goes down rough. But rough can be miraculously effective.”

The Bitter End
Created by Jess Mellen-Graaf of the Cresheim Valley Grain Exchange, Philadelphia

2 ounces Fernet-Branca
Coca-Cola
dash of Angostura bitters

Combine ingredients in an ice-filled rocks glass.

Says Jess: “Your body is banged up. This will help un-bang you.”

Constitution
Created by Missy Koefod of 18th & Parchment, Atlanta

4 droppers of 18.21 Prohibition Aromatic Bitters
seltzer

Add bitters to the seltzer with ice.

Says Missy: “The bubbles help settle your stomach, along with the combination of herbs and roots which have been used for centuries for medicinal purposes. Plus, it tastes really fucking good.”

Get Bloody
Of course, no list of hangover cures would be complete without the grandmommy of them all. While the original name and recipe of the Bloody Mary has long been a topic of debate, most cocktail geeks agree that the most popular modern iteration — vodka, tomato juice, lemon, Worcestershire sauce, and an array of spices that usually includes celery salt and black pepper — is the handiwork of a barman named Fernand Petiot, who introduced his vodka-and-tomato concoction in the early 1920s at Harry’s New York Bar in Paris. A decade later, Petiot took up residence behind the stick at the King Cole Bar inside the St. Regis Hotel in New York, where his signature creation (which the St. Regis renamed the “Red Snapper”) became a libational sensation.

As for the historical Mary for which the drink is named, there’s been lots of conjecture about that as well. Queen Mary I of England and actress Mary Pickford are oft-cited namesakes. But according to Petiot, who died in 1975, the drink was named for a popular waitress at the Bucket of Blood bar in Chicago.

Here’s Petiot’s original recipe:
1 ounce vodka
2 ounces tomato juice
1 dash lemon juice
2 dashes salt
2 dashes black pepper
2 dashes cayenne pepper
3 dashes of Worcestershire sauce

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Shake vigorously. Strain over ice cubes. Garnish with a lemon wedge.

Now, the proportions here are dainty, so double ’em. And we prefer a celery stalk. But a Bloody Mary can be lots of different things to lots of different people. Basically, if it’s booze and you can keep it down, drink it. If that means 3 parts vodka, 1 part tomato juice, 1 part prayer, shaken over ice, we’re not going to call the cocktail police on you.

Wake and Bake
As legendary stoner Jeffrey “the Dude” Lebowski taught us, you can survive practically anything so long as you’re good and baked. Thugs sent to piss on your rug by a ruthless pornographer loan shark? No problem. A loudmouthed Puerto Rican pederast/bowling rival? It’s all good. Emotionally unstable best friends, kidnapping, grand theft, and nihilists who set your car on fire? The Dude abides. The Dude abides.

Smoking a fatty won’t rehydrate you, of course, which is the single most essential step on the road to recovery.  Ah, but what it will do is stimulate your appetite, and as we’ve already established, serious grubbin’ in the wake of getting wasted will help set you straight. There’s also some scientific evidence that components of pot can reduce alcohol-induced neurodegeneration by almost 50 percent. We’re talking brain damage, people. Brain damage? Mary Jane don’t play that!

Oh, and sweet Mother Weed is a miracle worker at treating nausea. Seriously, if cancer patients use the sticky icky to mitigate the ill effects of chemotherapy, what chance does a hangover have?

Coffee
This one may seem counterintuitive. After all, a cup of Joe will wake you up, and when you’re hung like a haggard porn star all you really want is to sleep it off. Here’s the funny thing, though: The magical caffeine inside coffee will constrict the blood vessels in your brain, making it hurt less. It’s a miracle how this works. Do you believe in miracles? Of course you do. You’ll believe anything if it’ll make the pain go away. And on the same principle, might we also recommend…

A Cold Shower
Cold also constricts your blood vessels, but without drugs. Way to go, cold!

If you’ve had water, booty, burgers, booze, weed, coffee, and a cold shower and are still feeling like Satan took a giant dump on you, it’s time to punch something really hard. Turns out that if you break a few knuckles, the pain in your hand will make coping with a headache as easy as falling off a log. Or, come to think of it, you could just fall off an actual log. You drunk bastard.

PHOTO: iStock / Sanneberg