I’m in a horrifyingly boring relationship with a guy that’s going nowhere. How do I get out of it with the least amount of emotional pain?
— Vivienne S., Olympia, Washington

Great question, Viv, and one I get often. First some basics.

Your relationship is, as you say, “going nowhere.” Where did you expect it to go? Studies show (these studies are out there, I promise, but don’t compel me to cite them; it’s not going to happen) that an overwhelming number of relationships (in the 99.9 percent ballpark) “go nowhere.” What this essentially means is that they all go to the same place. You stay together, eat together, travel together, watch the same stupid shit on TV, maybe have or adopt a kid or two, watch them grow up, and the whole “circle of life” thing kicks in. You and your partner spend the vast majority of that time rationalizing your boredom. You both start babbling metaphor retreads about your relationship, referring to it as a “safety net” or a “comfort zone,” which you assure your friends are the reasons that “make it work.”

In other words, you’re lying. To yourself, to your friends, to each other. The minuscule percentage of relationships that “go somewhere” (studies available) involve spies who don’t know their mate is also a spy, husband-and-wife bank robbers, or a coupling of international jewel thieves. In other words, there’s something huge at stake. In the average relationship, the 99.9 percent, there’s nothing at stake… except the relationship. In any event, I’ll assume you’re neither a spy, a bank robber, or a thief. Let’s move on.

Next, we need to have an honesty check. You want this relationship to end with the “least amount of emotional pain.” Whose pain? You describe the relationship as “horrifyingly boring.” So unless you’re completely bloated with self-loathing, you’re not talking about yourself, you’re not really talking about the relationship, you’re talking about HIM. He’s horrifyingly boring and he will never take this relationship to that mythical place, that love- and passion-infused nirvana you see in your favorite romantic dramas. (As an aside, and with some experience in this area, I can tell you that’s why these movies are made: to take you OUT of reality and place you in a utopia of bliss. If everyone’s relationship was a love- and passion-infused nirvana there would be no need to go see the films. You’d be living it. You’re not.)

So, be honest, Viv. You’re going to bail on this relationship and you don’t really give a shit about his emotional pain. He’s a dullard and it’s his fault that this thing you have with him never took you anywhere. So fuck him. He’s not going to suffer, right? He’s a bot. And since you’ve started taking your pulse and begun to realize you’re in a relationship demi-coma, you’re not going to feel emotional pain either. So what you’re really asking me, Viv, is how you blow up this dull relationship without an explosion, without shrapnel, with the least amount of hassle and perhaps the microgram of guilt you may feel (but probably don’t because he’s such an idiot).

By far the easiest way to avoid the hassle is not by leaving him, rather by manipulating him into leaving you. I know that sounds somewhat harsh, but, look, the results are going to be the same, except you’re not the bad guy (or girl) when it comes time to divvy up friends during the relationship postmortem.

Assuming you’re living together, I would suggest you start buying extra pieces of luggage. When he asks why, your answer should be a simple, “Oh, I don’t know.” And leave it there. Ask him questions about the things you purchased together. For example, that tapestry you really love: “Hey, I really love that tapestry, does it mean a lot to you?” When he asks you why, your answer should be a simple, “Oh, I don’t know.” 

In fact, that should be your answer to every question he asks, because you’re in the “sowing the seeds of doubt” stage of the manipulative breakup. You’ll know when this stage ends, because you will be able to recognize that perplexed “what the fuck is going on here?” look in his eyes. Time to bring in the heavy artillery.

Start leaving undeniable clues as to your feelings, “accidentally” accessible to him. The best bet is the diary.

Even if you don’t keep a diary, go out, buy one, and rip out the first few pages to make it look like you were hiding something. Then start writing. Begin with things like: “Oh my fucking God, is this going to be my whole life???” And: “I’m so bored, I’m starting to check out really tall buildings to jump off.” Devote a few long sentences to a mythical man that has all the qualities your current one does not. “I wish [whatever your guy’s name is, let’s say Jim] had the drive and passion of Jack.” Then scratch out the name Jack, pretending to be afraid that Jim will “by chance” come across your diary, which is exactly your plan, as you’re going to leave it in plain sight… by “accident.” But stay innocent regarding your affection for Jack (his name crossed out). “If Jim had half the drive of XXXX, maybe this would work.” Some more diary entries, then leave it open to whatever page you left off on, in the kitchen, next to the toilet, wherever Jim is certain to find it. 

You don’t have to do the “I’ll be working late again” thing. That will only prolong this misery. Trust me, between the speculative dividing up of your mutual belongings, the luggage, and the diary, Jim will be out of there in a heartbeat. Of course you’ll have the obligatory, “Is everything okay with us?” Q&A night. And, again, leave things at, “Oh, I don’t know.” Then one last diary entry after that: “Jim made me discuss our relationship last night! What an asshole! XXXX would never do that!” Jim finds that and he’s gone. He’s left you, you remain the good girl in this scenario, and you get to keep the tapestry. Because Jim is, indeed, an asshole.

Photo: Shutterstock.com / Sakkmesterke