2 — Wanachi Mega Massager $163
In an unscientific poll conducted between myself and a dozen women, I discovered one hundred percent of females say they’d rather take their vibrating wand on vacation over their spouse or partner. “My wand gets me off each and every time. My husband? Uh… not so much,” one woman explained. The only overwhelming criticism each of the ladies had with their current wands was that they had a need for speed and an unfulfilled desire for unbridled power. Panties dropped and eyes lit up when I showed them the warning label on the 17-inch Wanachi, the world’s biggest and most powerful wand. It reads: “Because of the ultra-powerful motor in this massager we do not recommend continuous use for more than 30 minutes. Leaving the massager on for longer than that may cause it to overheat.” I was certain that the roar of the ten pulsation patterns would have struck fear in their hearts, but the unanimous reaction was a squeal of delight. One woman even asked in regards to the sounds of the engine, “Is that a Hemi?” In 12 out of 12 trial runs, each woman orgasmed in under one minute, and a few even refused to unlock the bathroom door and give the Wanachi back. It’s a universal fact that size matters, and this holds true not only for penetration but vibration as well. Men might view this oversized wand as a gag gift, but any discerning vibrator aficionado on the hunt for the most powerful pleasure tool will tell you the Wanachi is the Holy Grail of wands.
Rating: 10 penthousestore.com

1 — The Tremor Rock & Roll Sex Toy $800
The key to picking an effective spokesperson is selecting someone the public believes is an expert in their field. There’s a reason Michael Jordan is the highest-grossing sneaker endorser. That said, my wife and I knew before she sat on the Tremor, the revolutionary new ride-on sex machine, that it was the best in its class simply because Anna Bell Peaks was the face of the brand. In a very short time, Anna Bell has amassed numerous awards and nominations for her various dirty performances and proven herself to be one of the most entertaining sex kittens in the business. My wife nearly orgasmed at the sight of Anna test-driving the Tremor. When I told her the Tremor costs hundreds less and is nearly six pounds lighter than her current ride-on sex toy (and any other competitive toys on the market), she came instantly. Well, I think that’s what caused it… it may have been the 7,000 rpms shaking her chassis like a Harley-Davidson that caused the explosion. I’m not sure. I was still focused on how much less the Tremor cost. I couldn’t help but wonder if it were legal to create an adult fun zone where women got together and rode Tremors, like a spin class, but much better. I tried to sell the Mrs. on the idea but she was preoccupied riding her new lightweight, sexy rodeo bull.
Rating: 10 tremorrocks.com