1 — Luv Ryder $70
My son, like all children, wants a pony. But unlike most kids, my 7-year-old boy has an IQ of 150, which makes it difficult to dismiss him with easily disputed “alternative facts” about how expensive it is to feed and stable a pony.

“My research shows that horses eat roughly $100 to $300 worth of hay a month,” he recently explained. “That number drops significantly if we let him eat the grass in the backyard. That would save you time cutting the lawn, which you hate, and we spend more than $100 every time we go out to dinner. If we ate out one less time a month we could more than afford a pony.”

Once I wrapped my head around how much cheaper my life would be if I was a horse, I attempted to explain our housing problem, but he wasn’t having it. He said, “You pay $1,300 a month in property tax as it is! Having a horse won’t increase that number. And it’s cheaper than having another child.” 

“I had a vasectomy!” I yelled. “We’re not having another child regardless. And how the hell do you know what my taxes are?!”

Ignoring the question, he responded, “My point is, we already have the fence, the yard, and an empty shed for the horse to sleep in. We’re basically a horse farm without a horse.”

I just stared at his cute, innocent little face knowing he was right; we totally could afford a horse. But it was my job to explain to him that he wasn’t getting a horse. I needed to find equally soul-crushing words as the lies that had been told to me and every other kid since the dawn of time.

Then his mother walked in the room, and it dawned on me… I smiled and thanked her. I looked at the boy and said, “Son, we already have a horse.” Before he could respond I ran to the bedroom, grabbed the Luv Ryder harness from under the bed, and brought it out to show him.

“See,” I began, as I slid his mother’s arms into the straps over her clothes and pulled her close from behind, “After you go to bed, I ride Mommy around the house like a pony AND IT IS SO MUCH FUN! Someday you’ll buy your own house and pay your own taxes and take your own family out to dinner, and when you do I’ll pass this riding harness down to you and you can pretend to be a cowboy and ride your own pony just like me. Until then? No horses.”

He said nothing, his jaw hanging low as he looked at us in disgust, trying to shake the image I'd painted from his head.
Rating: 9 luvrydr.com

2 — Stinger-Kink’s Official Zapper $35
Each year for Christmas, I decorate my house with so many lights that the Griswolds look like energy conservationists in comparison. Thanks to a few hundred thousand lights, you can see my home from outer space on Google Earth.

Despite having ten years of membership in the Holiday Home Lighting Guild (HHLG), I know nothing about electricity. Each holiday season I electrocute myself no less than ten times, sometimes even knocking myself out. I’m lucky I haven’t fried myself to death yet.

I have a very modest house with a typical single 140-amp service. I’m told by my electrician friends that if I want my Christmas lights to stop tripping the breaker, I need to stop piggybacking on my wife’s washer and dryer and instead upgrade to two, if not three, 140-amp units. The president of my HHLG local has five 140-amp services that run dusk till dawn, Black Friday to Three Kings’ Day. I’m told his electric bill is no less than $6,000 during those 44 days.

This past year, I attempted to splice a line of lights together while the power was still on. I was unknowingly standing in a puddle of water. When I came to, I decided I’m pretty much over the annual near-death experiences; something about it really harshes my Christmas spirit.

Thankfully, the most trusted name in fetish porn, Kink.com, offers a full line of anal toys, dildos, and BDSM gear, including the Stinger cattle-prod-style electro-play wand. The Stinger sparks when it makes contact with human flesh but doesn’t actually send a current into the body, allowing me to enjoy all the PTSD of house lighting without any of the pain or risk.
Rating: 11 kink.com

3 — The Dragon’s Tongue / The Dragon Muzzle $65 to $140
I spent most of my twenties drooling all over myself and nodding out while chasing the dragon. (Drugs are fun but drugs are bad, m’kay?) It wasn’t until recently, some two decades later, that I realized the error of my ways.

Instead of wasting all those years searching for opiates, I could have been fucking the dragon with Bad Dragon’s Dragon Muzzle (which I like to believe feels like an actual dragon’s mouth). It’s safe to say there’s a fetish for nearly everything under the sun, and our friends at Bad Dragon do a wonderful job of aiding the sci-fi and Dungeons & Dragons crowd with their sexual proclivities by offering some of the most unique and exciting insertable and penetrable toys on the market.

This his-n-hers dragon set is perfect for the classic Lord of the Rings masturbation game, The Precious Stroke, where viewers sit through all ten-plus hours of the trilogy and rub one out each time Gollum says, “My precious.” Bad Dragon’s dongs and mouths have the best feels of any toys my wife and I have ever come across. And even after hearing Gollum say the magic word a hundred times in an afternoon, we still wanted more. My wife went so far as to permanently store away the rest of her toys and tell me she only needs one dildo to rule them all: the Dragon’s Tongue.
Rating: 11 bad-dragon.com

4 — Chastity Head Cage $69
The Chastity Head Cage might be the greatest gift any man over the age of 18 can buy himself; I only wish I’d known about it sooner so I could’ve avoided decades of agony.

The eco-friendly, nickel-free, polished-steel pecker protector is basically the only thing any fellow needs to live a long, happy existence. By locking your cock away, it eliminates the possibility of STDs and the need for contraception and/or pesky, unwanted babies, all while beautifying an otherwise disgusting landscape.

To avoid such a depressing fate, my advice to younger readers is this: Throw your dick in a Chastity cage, wear it forever, and save yourself a world of hurt and headaches.
Rating: 12 pipedream.com

Photo: Shutterstock.com/Endla