1 — Black Label Esse Chaise
Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I don’t really bother with many other holidays — although I do celebrate Kwanza and Hanukkah to increase the number of days I get presents in December. Just how dedicated am I? I decorate my home so Griswold-bright that you can see it from outer space; and from Black Friday to Three Kings Day I casually wear a Santa Claus coat over my regular attire.  My therapist says my holiday spirit comes from it being the only day my drunk old man would give us any peace growing up, but I disagree. I was a child with very few toys or material items, and birthdays and Christmas were the only times my mom could afford to buy gifts. So while there may be deep-rooted psychological reasons for my love of the season, there’s the simple fact that a boy likes receiving toys. January to December, I would spend countless hours daydreaming of what wonderful piece of plastic Santa would bring me. I would create extensive lists, checking them twice, all the while knowing Mom could only afford to buy one item. (I’d circle the most desired gift in red ink.) Over the years I circled a G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip, a Millennium Falcon, X-Men #94, a bike, a new father, and a skateboard.

As I got older and the presents stopped coming, I continued to make wish lists for my own entertainment. When we unpacked into our new home a decade ago, my wife found a scrap of paper with the words blowjob, double blowjob, butt sex, and ménage à trois circled in red, and asked what it was. “That’s all I’ll ever want for Christmas so long as I live,” I told her.

But that was before I discovered the Liberator line of foam sex chairs, pillows, and bedroom adventure gear. Three years ago my wife and I had our world rocked to its very core when we bought the Wing pillow — a sweet Christmas gift to ourselves. After our first session of game-changing sex with it, we looked at each other and wondered aloud, “What the hell have we been doing with our lives up until now?” The firm, ridable, polyurethane foam opened up a number of new positions unattainable by stacking our soft, feather peasant pillows. We’ve since taken our Wing around the world; we refuse to leave home without it.

And just when we thought sex couldn’t get any better, Liberator sends us the Esse Chaise, making us rethink everything we thought we knew about sex.

Fire. Flight. Electricity. Smartphones. Man has imagined numerous wonderful and revolutionary discoveries over time, and all of them pale in comparison to the joy provided by Liberator’s Esse Chaise. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I promise you, for the low, low price of 90 cups of Starbucks coffee, your sex life will be improved so drastically it cannot even be quantified by science… yet.

I have been fucking my wife for 15 years — we have a healthy and wild sex life, we have intimate knowledge of every inch of each other’s bodies, and we’re both aware of our strengths and weaknesses. And yet the Esse Chaise, with its ergonomic and sexually advanced design, has allowed us to experience new feels and hit places no couch or bed ever allowed. With their full line of options and accessories, Liberator has now replaced “double blowjobs” and has been circled in red on my permanent wish list.

To go out on a limb, I’d say that if everyone owned this sex chair there would be world peace. Hunger and homelessness would be a thing of the past. And religious persecution would no longer exist. All because humanity would exalt the new god: Esse Chaise.

Rating: 13 (on a scale of 1 to 10)liberator.com

2 — Icicles #33
Remember when Ralphie shot his eye out in A Christmas Story? I had a childhood friend, Travis, who (sort of) did the same thing, except he wasn’t wearing glasses and the icicle that fell off his garage went straight into his eyeball. His eye literally shot out. Well, not literally, but he never saw out of his left eye again.

Travis was forced to wear an eye patch, which we all thought was extremely cool because, well, pirates are cool. But one day he explained to me, “Pirates are only cool when you don’t have to be one every single day of your life. Then pirates suck.” Eventually he decided to put his pirating days behind him and get a prosthetic eye, which, if you’ve ever seen a prosthetic eye in person, is way creepier and far less cool than a pirate’s eye patch. Depression eventually got the best of him and he turned to alcohol and then heroin. The last time I saw him was at a house party, he had his pants around his ankles, prosthetic eyeball stuffed into his foreskin, cock in hand, chasing girls around the house, screaming, “Beware the one-eyed monster!”

My wife has heterochromia iridium, and the joke I always make is that she has one blue eye and two brown eyes. My mother-in-law loves that one. After we were finished wrapping presents recently, we decided to open up our gift of this Pipedream ten-function glass teaser that AdultEmpire.com sent me. As I pressed the cute teddy bear-shaped glass vibrator against my wife’s clit, just inches from one of her brown eyes, I couldn’t help but think of that scene from the 80s comedy Better Off Dead, when John Cusack’s character, Lane Meyer, attempts to kill himself on Christmas Day with carbon monoxide because he got his ex-girlfriend Beth the world’s smallest teddy bear (roughly the same size as this compact and transportable teaser).

As I stared deep inside my wife, my mind tried to Google what year that movie came out. 1984? Or was it 1985? Either way, it was right around that time that my friend’s eye was shot out by an icicle. As I pressed the Pipedream icicle harder against her lady parts, I found myself wondering what ever happened to ole Travis. Had he gotten clean and made a new life for himself? Did he OD? Had he joined the circus? Or become a Somali pirate?

“What are you thinking about?” my wife asked, snapping me back to attention.

“Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’s birthday, naturally,” I responded.

“Well, even Baby Jesus knows my clit isn’t up by my belly button, so can you try to focus on what you’re doing?”

“Yes, dear. Merry Christmas, dear.”

Rating: 8 pipedreamproducts.com