1 — Forced Orgasm Belt & Thunderstick Super Charged Kit $125
This is the perfect gift for anyone who enjoys the classic My-Wife-is-A-Transexual-in-Yoga-Pants gag. (Disclaimer: I’m in no way suggesting that marrying a transsexual is a joke. It’s simply that all the trans gals I know tend to use discretion and not wear tight-ass yoga pants with their rods visible.)

My wife is a busty blonde who always catches looks and catcalls from creeps. On numerous occasions she’s put a dildo in her white yoga pants to give the effect that she has a massive penis. The problem always ends up being that the dildo doesn’t stay in place, negating the joke. Now with this Forced Orgasm Belt, she can grocery shop while wearing a battery-powered wand securely in her pants, allowing her to multitask—satisfying herself while thwarting unwanted advances and picking up ice cream.

Another of my new personal favorite gags to play on her is to tie her to the bed while she’s wearing the Forced O belt so there’s no chance in hell of her wiggling about and unplugging the corded Thunderstick. I’ll start the wand at a moderate level and slowly increase the vibration until it hits full strength. Then I’ll wait and count how many orgasms she can withstand. Often when she says she can’t take another moment I’ll shake my head and walk away, leaving her to endure a few more debilitating orgasms until she remembers to use the safe word. I like to think I have a great sense of humor, but safety is no laughing matter, folks. Especially in the bedroom.
Rating: 10 healthyandactive.com

2 — Masturbating Glove $12
Shortly after reading how Nikki Sixx wore his leather pants for months without showering, in Mötley Crüe’s book The Dirt, a friend and I attempted to see how long we could wear a single pair of pants, without underwear, while remaining sexually active. I think we each made it two months.

Midway through the challenge we found ourselves on a skateboard trip on the East Coast in the dead of summer, smelling ripe. Being a prankster, my buddy took to sticking his hands down his pants and coating his palm with ball sweat and crotch cheese before shaking hands with total strangers. I could smell his funk five feet away whenever he’d ask me to photograph these tender moments.

I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from the experience and, as a result, 15 years later I’m a total germ freak. On my most recent skate trip I brought this masturbating glove along and wore it for two weeks straight to avoid making direct contact with anyone’s hands. Luckily, the rubbery puffer-fish look of the glove kept people from wanting to have much contact with me anyway. One woman gave me a scowl as I waived my dirty, pink palm at her. “At least I’m not rubbing dick cheese on you,” I yelled, like she had a clue as to what the fuck I was talking about.
Rating: 7 nasstoys.com

Product Photos Courtesy of XR Brands and Nasstoys

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