“It’s more about the effort than the paycheck.”

Spanky Dolittle
I’ve been engaged for a year now, but have been dating my fiancé for almost five. He has been unemployed since last November, so I am the sole breadwinner. I recently found two email accounts that he’s been using for personals on Craigslist. When I confronted him, he admitted to doing this since October. He swears he never met up with any of the women and has only emailed pics back and forth. I thought we truly loved each other on another level. He’s a great man, lover, best friend, all that shit. He says he only does it when he’s drinking. Should I tell him to see a counselor? Should I kick him out? What the fuck should I do?
— Crystal

My love, your man (if you even want to call him that) is not the one who needs therapy. YOU ARE! And I say this with love. You need to want more for yourself. MUCH MORE. You are obviously a kind and compassionate person. I respect that. But, the no job and the Craigslist personals? Hell-to-the-no, bitch. This deadbeat needs to get the boot. He doesn’t sound like a great man or a best friend. A great man and friend would not do ANY of this. You should read the book Codependent No More. He is not the problem. The problem is you if you continue to stay. Why the fuck doesn’t he have a job yet? Even if it’s flipping burgers at Mickey D’s. It’s more about the effort than the paycheck. I’m sure he’s bored as fuck, feeling like shit, and probably emasculated because you’re taking care of him… so then he goes and hollers at bitches (or men pretending to be bitches) on Craigslist? He’s doing that to help his ego because right now his ego is like fuckin’ mashed potatoes. Make this fucker get a job. Give him 30 days to find one or he’s out on the street.

Riddle of the Sphincter
I’m 18 years old and I live in Houston. Both my parents were born into very religious families in Egypt, so everything in my life growing up was “traditional.” It was especially difficult for me because I’m bisexual. My parents are not shy about bashing gay people right in front of me, but because they are my parents, I can’t really do anything about it. My dream is to just yell, “Fuck you, I like dick!” but that comes at a price… the price of my college tuition. I can’t stand existing in the shadows — I feel like I’m not living. Part of me thinks I should just go get a job as a bartender, make bank, and pay for college myself, but I’m scared. My parents have always spoiled me with money. I want to experience a life where I don’t have to lie or hide, but I also need emotional security. I just want to live my life, do yoga, smoke a little weed, and be happy. Am I just being ungrateful?
— P.R.

Wow, this is heavy shit. I’m a follow-your-heart-and-be-yourself-no-matter-what type chick, but financial stability is important. Staying on your parents’ good side can also be part of a larger strategic move that will enhance your life in the future. BTW, I scream, “Fuck you, I like dick!” all the time and it really does feel good. Bartending and banking money sounds like a great plan. My gut tells me you should scream, “I like dick!” and do you and be you! If your parents can’t offer you emotional support while you’re being true to who you are, then they obviously have severe issues. Not you. I really feel for you because this is a super difficult situation. We all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are, but it’s rarely that simple. As long as you love and accept yourself, you will win no matter what you choose. Hang in there!

Status Update
Hey. What’s up, Leah?
— Jeremy H.

Just trying to write this column while obsessively checking social media and drinking the smoothie my sister Sarah made for me.

Country Cock
I just moved to the middle of fucking nowhere — I’m originally from the Bay Area, so I get hyphy. I need to get laid but Tinder is not my thing. What do I do?
— Ashley M.

That’s rough, but sometimes you can find some great dick hidden in the middle of nowhere. Keep a positive mental attitude. Manifest the dick. It works. Local bars? Church? Synagogue? The grocery store? You gotta explore your surroundings. I’ve prayed for dick when it was really dry out there, and it worked. The power of prayer is real, girl! So get down on your knees, clasp those hands together, and ask the universe to send you some booty. And if that doesn’t work, go on Tinder.

Couch Canker
I have been with my fiancé for seven years. He got laid off from his job about two years ago and hasn’t found anything yet. I’ve been paying all the bills myself, and it’s getting really hard on me. I love him dearly — we’ve known each other since I was 13 (I’m 30 now). I feel like I gotta stick it out, but I don’t want to. Is that horrible? They say that money is the number one reason people break up.
— But I Love Him

Two years with no fuckin’ job!?? That is some bullshit! What’s up with all these dudes not contributing? There are other men out there who will love you, believe me, and they also have jobs! I mean, is he your man or your child? Think about it. You do not have to stick this out. Would he do the same for you? I doubt it. Women are so much more compassionate. We are hardwired this way. It’s all biological. Studies show that even female babies are more interested in emotional expression than male babies. We just give more fucks than they do. Let’s change that shit, girl! Get rid of that fool.

Need Advice? Email leah@penthouse.com